Love in Time of Conflict

Today I learnt about our ancestors relationship to caves. In caves they were protected from the weather and predators, and there they slept and prepared food and built communities. They healed and practiced sacred ceremonies, and beautiful moments and opportunities occurred in caves. But all I really know of caves is George Bush's comment on Bin Laden and his army being "cave dwellers", substandard and uncivilized. And this was the image of caves I have carried for almost twenty years. Coming to this new information today, presented from a place of honour and compassion, which for some reason has been a revelation, caused a piece of my heart to ache at the lies we are told by people in powers, and the dignity that is robbed from our history when we are in war.

And I see this same hatred today as we battle the coronavirus, and the hurtful messages I see on social media, as citizens become divided over how to navigate this terrain. I am able to see that people are hurt and afraid, and do not have the emotional flexibility to even be silent instead of being outright hurtful, so I can understand and put up boundaries instead of engaging. And for this I am so grateful to be able to detach and feel the strength of my own convictions and my own aspirations, which carries me through this uncomfortable time.

I am staying out of commentaries. In my opinion it is simply best to not make comments, because people are afraid, and they have their own ideas that, for better or for worse, gives them a feeling of control in a generally uncontrollable and unknowable situation. I don't feel a need to participate in any of the narration of this disease, and I don't believe anyone has all the answers. My intentions are to be a source of comfort to anyone who needs it. That was my intention from the moment the news of the virus broke in January, and it continues to be so. We need to care about each other, to support each other, and to remind each other that we are all still connected, no matter what.

Finding Peace in Exile

"Sending for Paul, they listened as he told them about faith in Christ Jesus. (And) he reasoned with them about righteousness and self-control and the coming of judgement." - Acts 24:24-5, NLT

As I go back to work during the pandemic, I once again experience a transformation in spirit, where new challenges bring about new understandings of life. I go in and out of feeling that we are in a war, and I confirm the teachings that we are in exile, or on a prison planet.

This is not to say that it need be doom and gloom, for we are hopeful in the coming of a new age, and a new earth. Rather, it is a reminder that life is not what it seems to be, and remembering that I don't want to perpetuate the illusion by being superficial. In today's morning meditation, I thought about my basic interests, all the things that take me away from God and spiritual improvement, the things that I truly want to spend my time on - viewing the apparently glamorous lifestyles of people on Instagram, royal family watching, celebrity news, and TikTok - all things that ultimately make me feel incomplete and insufficient, but that pull me in and lead to feelings of otherness.

And in the pandemic the big difficulties are greater than the momentary fears that I am missing out on life by what I view on social media, but rather as I move through the discomforts of wearing personal protective equipment as I go back to work, and listen to the murmur of conspiracies, I feel defeated. But when I set my sight on God instead of on Mammon, I have the strength to accept that maybe I really am a prisoner of war, in exile, and maybe that's as it needs to be at this time.

When I do the next right thing by not stealing time at work, when I practice self-control by eating responsibly both nutritionally and ethically, and when I remember that life might in fact be inherently suffering, but that there will be a time of judgement when all wrongs will be righted, being in exile is completely manageable. In fact, when I prioritize the fundamental duties of life, there are even moments of peace and joy.

Through discipline and connecting to God’s word, I do not feel that I have lost a war. As I move through the new difficulties of the economy reopening, I can understand that this is a temporary struggle, and this too shall pass. In the meantime, I am empowered to move through the challenges of a foreign way of life with grace, peace, and joy when I focus on what needs to be done in the present, instead of worrying about the future.

Return to Eden by Brad Thompson

Alone Time

Being an introvert with very solitary-friendly hobbies, thinking of others being depressed or lonely didn't really enter my consciousness during this lockdown. Now that we begin to reopen, and I get a bit more honest about the protective boundaries I put up through fear and discomfort, I can look at the darker side of the pandemic, where some people were in a sort of hell.

But being in solitude doesn't mean that we have to be lonely, melancholic, or entrapped in downward thinking. Being in solitude for extended periods of time can be the great reckoning where we turn to God and open our minds and hearts to the possibility of being transformed into a person who takes a circumstance, and shifts it into an opportunity.

Freedom comes to us when we don't need too much outside of ourselves to be happy. Of course we still need resources. If I didn't have the Internet, ability to go to the grocery store, or a few close friends during this time, my experience in this pandemic would have been a lot more grim. But I trust that God would provide for me. Where I wouldn't have Internet, I would have books, where I wouldn't have opportunity to pick up supplies, I would ask my neighbours or church for help, and where I wouldn't have loved ones, I would have helplines and my fur-family. Part of being in solitude includes having the beautiful resource of time to problem-solve.

What I have learned the past three months is that God will not let me down. God will be with me always. I realize today that this is a promise that has withstood loneliness, financial fear, and even the prospect of death (getting my dad sick) during this bizarre and eye-opening time.

Being in solitude matured me spiritually, financially, physically, and emotionally. It helped me reset, regroup, and reevaluate. It showed me who I want my friends to be, and who I can now finally let go of. It gave me the perspective to figure out my priorities, which up until this time lacked balance. It also opened my heart to more compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. I got to see that we all have different personal realities, and to respect others more sincerely.

There will be a lot of healing to be done as the world reopens, but solitude and being still with God is where the bulk of the recovery will rest. Solitude does not need to be feared, it is ultimately where the greatest peace, reconciliation, and answers will be found. During alone time we are afforded the chance to simplify and return to a pre-traumatic, pre-chaotic, and pre-distorted world, and where we can now make decisions based on what is best for the new reality that we want to create and live in.

Build a new reality rooted in love

Self-Love

A big part of healing the conflict-stricken ego is to have self-love. Some might think that self-love is akin to pride or vanity, but it's actually having self-respect. Self-respect can be a loaded word, thrown around in defiance or used against people to shame them, but what it really means is knowing the value we bring to others, and honouring that.

Self-love is also self-care. It's being gentle, loving, and nurturing with ourselves, and in turn we can give that same compassion to others. Self-care fosters self-esteem, because we become proud of our ability to take care of ourselves, and to then live with integrity.

We live in a world when people are so afraid to look vain, but we use the wrong methods to combat self-absorption. The solution to the problem of arrogance is humility, and the only way to be humble is to put God above all else. When we put God first, we truly begin to have self-love which at its very core is self-forgiveness. 

So many people are going about the world with unresolved trauma, situations of buried pain resulting from unmet needs, and this causes stunted emotion growth. Because we didn’t have the autonomy to care for ourselves as children, I believe the ego develops a sort of self-hatred, where we feel we failed to take care of our most basic needs, and in so we develop a deep sense of guilt (that we might not even be aware of).

Self-love begins to heal the trauma of unmet needs, and as I work through my own recovery, I find that being harsh, critical, or judgemental with myself is no longer acceptable. I work to not say things to myself that I wouldn't say to someone else. I would not insult other people, and I am not the exception.

Ultimately, self-love involves acceptance. I learn to accept the imperfections that always were, or that I created, which with acts of self-forgiveness I can begin to make peace with. When I can let go of the past, I am practicing self-love. When I take care of myself, I am practicing self-love. When I am truly humble, and treat myself and others as children of God, deserving of compassion, understanding, and forgiveness, I am practicing self-love which I can then take out into my community and help with its own healing process.

Jesus Wants YOU!

I am in a chat room where there is a subculture that is greatly misunderstood, and where it is difficult for me to not pass judgement ("Furries"). Because I have been cultivating my love for God, and for others, along with my boyfriend's influence with therapeutic ideas such as Angel's Advocate, I am learning to take a back seat instead of jumping in with my opinions.

I knew not only would unfriendly or unsupportive remarks be inappropriate, but I was also able to put myself in their position. I realized that if I started talking about something where they felt uncomfortable or insulted, they wouldn't like that either. I imagined that they wouldn't want, for example, to hear about Jesus any more than I want to hear about their fringe and misunderstood hobby.

But it was suggested that maybe they DO want to hear about Jesus. Maybe they don't realize that Jesus wants them in his fold, or that being a Christian is even a possibility. But Jesus welcomes all of us, and will come to us even at the lowest points in our lives, as he did for me.

I don't want to use Jesus for my own agenda, which is to have my own way. I want to instead use his strength to love people where they are at, just like he loved me where I was at, and to learn enough that I don't need to come from a place of judgement or reform.

It never really occurred to me that people would want to hear about Jesus. I was so wrapped up in looking unoffensive and fitting in that I didn't consider what people are searching for so deeply outside of themselves and society might really just be a yearning to invite the kingdom of God within.

Fellowship With God

Today's devotion by Dr. Charles Stanley, my favourite preacher, says that when God created the world, the only thing He didn't declare to be good, was that Adam was alone.

Something that I was not very attuned to during this pandemic, was that this is the first time in some, possibly many, people's lives where they truly felt isolated. I heard an influencer say that quarantine is like a depression - not being able to be social or work. It was a new perspective for me. While I understand that the pandemic has been a nightmare for some, my experience has been emotional and spiritual growth, because I have already passed through a period of a nightmare and woke up from it.

While I encouraged my readers to use this time to develop a personal relationship with God, which I also deepened and refined in my time in lockdown, I didn't consider the culture shock of truly being isolated with only one's thoughts. This is when relying of God is even more important: this is truly the time for God to be our main point of contact in quarantine.

The problem with developing a relationship with God when there is an abundance of free time, is that there are many hypnotic cult leaders, and very deep rabbit holes to fall down. I have gone down a couple in the past three months, but by the grace of God, along with past works, was able to not let it last more than a day or two. I don't even want to consider what people with no spiritual or emotional discipline are mentally tormenting themselves with at this time.

It's easy for me to be a Christian, because I had an experience with Jesus coming to me during a low point in my life in 2011, after having been fired from what I thought was going to be my dream job. So whenever I am seduced by charismatic teachers, I can easily recall who truly offers eternal life, and who can transcend the impermanent, emotional, and erratic social fads and norms. The only person I know this to be true, is Jesus.

Some people say that religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, and spirituality is for people who have been to it. I find this statement to be incomplete and unfounded. Religion sustains and protects an ideology, whereas "spirituality", whatever that actually means, is porous, with few, if any defences against deceit; where there are no clear boundaries, and where one can easily be misled during moments of weakness, such as a pandemic. A true religion will offer both consistency and inspiration, and will provide opportunities to be lifted up, and to grow, within a set of healthy guidelines that tames our egotistical and opinionated minds.

But sometimes we see these boundaries and rebel for a utopia, without the actual tools or blessings to create one. What we end up participating in is a world where we don't feel judged and where we don't feel wrong, but where we do feel scattered and ungrounded. Every healthy system has instructions and checks and balances, and every guideline that comes from God is rooted in love.

Instead of fighting a perceived limiting institution, I suggest learning its core precepts instead. Oftentimes in our attempts to be free we end up being more restricting. We interpret something to be a threat, oftentimes based from misinformation, and decide it can't help up. The truth is, we have a long history behind us and no matter what, we are going to be disenchanted at one point or another. But the hiccups along the road walking with Christ are a lot less disruptive than damaging trips on stones that random spirituality, oftentimes from unqualified teachers, places in our way.

Still Life with Bible by Vincent van Gogh

Foolproof

"Wrongdoers eagerly listen to gossip; liars pay close attention to slander." (Proverbs 17:4-5)

Being a generally gullible person, it can be difficult for me to see the intentions of others, and easy to be fooled by pretty facades. But reading this wisdom of Solomon was a big "Ah-ha" moment for me, because it makes it simple to spot falsehood.

I'm watching a reality show that started off appealing to my ambitions: making high-ticket sales in glamorous L.A. I am attracted to professions that entail commission and celebrity, and while I don't have the ambition to be a big shot, I do believe that we can be in the world, and still not of it. I imagine that we can be in a highly sought out and competitive environment and accumulate wealth, but still be of service to others, by being crafty as serpents, and gentle as doves, as Jesus also told us to be.

But in the second season, the premise diverts a bit, and it became so focussed on drama and gossip, that I stopped watching it. There is one character who seems very put together, and in my opinion seems the most mentally and spiritually healthy of the bunch. If I were to pick a role model from one of them, it would be her. But when I read the above passage from Proverbs, I could see how easily I can be fooled. 

Jesus said that we can judge a tree by the fruit it produces, and King Solomon breaks it down in the most pure and basic form - if they gossip, they are to be avoided at all costs!! I saw a real life example of how easily I can be deceived to believe something is lovely and desirable, even though I know that Satan appears to us as an angel of beautiful light. (2 Corinthians 11:14).

So much of my journey toward regeneration today involves appreciating a life well lived, which so far I have discovered to be very basic actions. It is crucial for me today to not compromise serenity for status, to not sacrifice health for beauty, and to not trade enlightenment for excitement. I recognise today that other people's opinions of me do not mean more than God's pride of me, and after this pandemic, that being popular won't carry me through being laid off and quarantined.

Being empowered by God, and knowing basic instruction to be safe and remain in His presence, makes being gullible a lot less insulting to my ego. It's okay to be simple, it's okay that the devil knows more than me and can easily fool me, because when I abide by God's wisdom, I can thwart any attempt to avert me from the grace and peace of God.

Gossip by Pol Ledent