Delusions of grandeur

My brain is utterly broken.

I do not believe that I was born with a defective brain anatomy, as I did not grow up with problems, or even difficulty learning. By grade one I was the second best student in reading, and by the end of primary school I was getting perfect in math. By the end of middle school I had for one piece become first violinist. And I did this all on my own. Not only with no help from teachers or parents, but within a broken home, as well.

But I suffered from delusions from a very young age. And they were delusions of grandeur. And not because I thought that I was so important, but that I was noticed enough to be chased down. I was in perpetual fear of being abducted and killed, but it was such a chronic fear, that I didn't realize that it wasn't normal.

As my drug addiction grew, they did become genuine delusions of grandeur. I believed that I was a highly sought out sleeper agent. I wrote to the Queen of England on more than one occasion, one time to "warn" her. This then morphed into a genuine belief that my family was in a top-ranking Satanic order, and that it was my sole purpose to bring down Freemasonry and expose the Illuminati. (I no longer believe that Freemasonry is evil, or even that the Illuminati is real, for that matter).

Today my delusions aren't as grandeur, but they are still present, maybe more so in the form of paranoia. I have learnt to recognize them today as they pop up, still frequently, and I am able to tell myself to calm down, and this is the way that I currently handle these intrusions. 

It is time for me to accept my mind, because there is absolutely no cure. I actually read on pyschcentral.com that the best treatment was psychotherapy, one-on-one with a therapist. This is utterly insulting. It is insulting that someone so uneducated is taking a teacher's role, but it is also insulting to offer false hope. I can say first hand, that when I was breaking down seven years ago at the peak of my psychosis in front of my doctor, he could only sit there and watch me cry. He could not help me anymore than a member of the Fellowship recognizes that no doctor can cure alcoholism. Granted, he did give me some medication that broke my extreme psychosis, to where it is the most manageable it has been in my life. I love my doctor, he helped save my life, and I have no intentions on implying any perceived limitations on his part. 

I do not believe that I will ever be fixed of my delusions, I do not believe that my brain will ever fully mend, and it breaks my heart. While I am being treated for manic-depression and while I have recovered from alcoholism and drug addiction, and have been blessed to help others recover, I am not fully integrated, and now understand that I never will be. 

But I am still of use, and I am learning to accept that with discipline and fellowship, I will be able to live a fulfilling life, which is beginning to manifest after my work in the Program. I am making amends, I am forming genuine bonds with other people, I am making a living for myself, I am saving a bit of money, I am responsible and accountable. I just have to remember this, and practice gratitude. Gratitude is a short-cut to God.

And I must learn to accept my illness, which means I must stop being ashamed of it, so that I may talk about it, so that others may benefit. Because if I am brave, and if I can stand up to my afflictions, then maybe one day others who are with me, can form enough of a number, that there may be a cure, for these delusions of grandeur.

Friday the 13th

Today marks my two years of sobriety. My last run was Remembrance Day - it gives "Remember When" a whole new interpretation for me :)

My friend in the Program is receiving his fifteen year medallion on Monday, and it got me thinking about long-term sobriety, and what it really takes to make it in the Program.

I attend an affluent group, and I joined because there were young people, and my sponsor thought it was time for me to fellowship. So, after I received my one year medallion, I made the move, and it was not an easy transition. There were times I really wanted to leave, and sometimes I still do, but that's because I am selfish and self-seeking, and I usually forget why I am there. I lack the humility that my friend has. I still have so much shame around my illness, that I like to push it to the side, placing myself in a position where I am vulnerable to getting so caught up with the boys and the girls and the fashion. It's human nature I suppose, but considering WHY I am there, it's ridiculous!

My friend who is receiving his fifteen year medallion does not get caught up in the sociality of the group. Instead, he has accepted his alcoholism and remembers the true spirit of the fellowship. He was one of the first people to be kind to me, and I will not soon forget that. And I don't just mean acknowledging my existence, I mean truly giving. I was in some uncomfortable scenarios, and he was so humble and supported me. And I say humble because he holds influence, and rightly so, as he is a founding member of the group, and yet his shares are so raw that they cut to the bone, and they are always in the genuine spirit to the Program. 

I get so wrapped up in the more glamourous side of this group that I soon forget where I come from and where I now need to go. I forget my primary purpose, which is to be saved and then to go out and save others. May I take this opportunity that someone humble has given us all, to remember when. 

The Good Wheel

I have changed my blog URL several times, usually because I don't want certain stalkers to read my writing. "The Good Wheel" is a URL that I chose several years ago, after a really great confession.

Before I was initiated into the Church, I was working toward yoga mastery, and I am not even kidding. I rose at 3 am to be at the ashram by 4 am where we would start with a twenty minute prayer, followed by an hour and a half of meditation followed by forty-five minutes of yoga. I studied under a teacher who was the master's disciple, and I was absolutely sure I had met my destiny. 

Then the Lord called me to the Church, right as I had started a year-long yoga teacher training program! It took me YEARS to let yoga doctrine go, and it did not go quietly. I did my utmost to incorporate Christianity and yoga as one, and there is evidence of this on my blog.

Finally, I came to realize that it is not right for me to try to manipulate these two disciplines to suit my intellectual and emotional needs. Hence "The Good Wheel" - I no longer needed to reinvent the wheel  :)

Maybe there is correlation between the ancient art of yoga, and the ancient church, but I could not manage being lukewarm, for I would always come crashing right down, demoralized and dejected in spiritual aridity. 

I still love New Age, currently I am enjoying chakra work and the use of crystals, and after having a spiritual experience as a result of practicing the Twelve Steps, I also now love Reformed theology, because truly, the Program is Protestant in nature (And I now believe that escape of total depravity through regeneration is more of a Great Awakening teaching than a Catholic one). But I no longer try to mesh it all in as one neat little teaching, where I become the Leader. Today, I respect each path as individual and autonomous, and I find that my life has been enriched by them all  :)

The branches

"Jesus said, 'What is the Kingdom of God like? To what can I compare it? It is like a mustard seed that a man took and planted in the garden. When it was fully grown, it became a large bush and the birds of the sky dwelt in its branches.'" - Luke 13.18-9

First Things First, one of our famous slogans, often cited, rarely understood.

"First see ye, the kingdom of God". In Matthew's gospel, he writes, "the kingdom of heaven", and for the fellowship, I find that most fitting. Originally, the Big Book said that we had found a piece of heaven, but a Catholic priest, who was one to edit the book, replaced "heaven" with "utopia". And how serendipitous is that? When we put first things first, when we work our program first, and then enjoy the fellowship second, we really do find the peace that resides within the kingdom. "For the kingdom of God is not eating or drinking, it is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit." (Romans 14.17)

We find reward; the sheaves that we come back rejoicing with, after going to the fields in tears to collect them (Psalm 126). I did not put first things first, and I failed because of that. I put my passions first, and now there are at least two women in the fellowship whom I at this time cannot work with; two people who will not find protection from me, because of my defects of character, because I chased after someone who is connected to them. This is not what I had come for. This is not what we have all worked so hard to achieve and then maintain.

Now I go out into the fields weeping, and I hope that with first things first, I will soon be restored, and will have my bounty, which is the kingdom of heaven, because this time I have taken it too far, that now I shall only be comforted through works.

Release: a Poem to the Blood Moon

For every covering,
one did reveal him
to be not the ends
of a primitive means.

Though not at the time
could I see the release,
without expectation,
today welcome what is.

And now it is time
once again for redemption
but in foresight I saw,
which is how it is new.

Because this time I go
without fear or favour,
still I hope you will see,
and feel as I do.

My rebuttal

I have stayed away from politics for a very long time.  Once I was initiated into the Church, it really lost all meaning to me.  Then when I entered the Fellowship, I lived my life in accordance with Tradition Ten, "No opinion on outside issues."  If it didn't directly relate to the safety of my flesh or soul, I really didn't care, and if it could compromise my serenity, by causing opposition, I wanted nothing to do with it. 

And generally speaking, I've always been rather self-centered, to the point I have questioned if I am a sociopath.  But the past year, I have read reports in the news on ISIS, and it evoked an actual physical response, like a gut wretch, like I actually have wanted to be sick about things that I am reading about.  And learning the past week of all of these deaths of civilians fleeing Syria and Turkey, I have actually wanted to shed tears.  

Furthermore, I am now aware of what my government's policy is on refugees, which is that it is not our problem.  They actually said this.  

In lieu of the federal election coming up, the Conservative government's campaign ad is that Justin Trudeau is "not ready", but I believe that he is, and I posted a link of my profile stating so.  I was then told by a Christian that because Trudeau won't let anyone on his caucus be pro-life, he can never vote Liberal.  I understand that as a Catholic, I am to vote for the religious-right, but no, faith without works is dead, and this is one of those times when just prayers is not going to cut it.  I am OK being a heretic, in fact, I am proud to be one, and this heretic will still be communing with Christ at least once a week on Sundays.

My name means "Free One", and I believe that we should ALL be free: free from spiritual, cultural, and material oppression, free to marry who we like (To be "owned" by someone, with resources readily available for aid, because monogamy and emotional connections can be trying), free to prosper, even free to give our bodies for a night and not have it affect the rest of our lives and communities (even though I think that the attitude toward sex has become dangerous, and is now a tragedy, and the lack of support in understanding how an abortion can forever change a woman just as much so).

I have no idea what is happening with ISIS.  It is a strange organization, strangely powerful, strangely vicious, and strangely unopposed, but what I do know is, we need to get everyone who wants to get out of there, out of there, and we need to get into power the people who will have the compassion to get first things first done, even if they are sympathetic to the hedonistic. 

My address

I shared my story last night at my home group.  I was surprised that I ended it short, as I have spoken twice before, and had no trouble filling that allotted time.  My only true intention was to be a vessel of light, of God's merciful spirit.  I hope that I did good, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to be cemented to my fellow members now.  

But it was not easy, and I went to my mother's to debrief after the meeting.  I was upset that I seemed to have blanked out, so while she purposely informed me that she was not comparing me to the likes of this great orator, she told me about Abraham Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address".  Back in early America, people gave speeches - it was an event, and a speech would go on for hours; it was what people did for entertainment.

The only picture of the Gettysburg Address, is Mr. Lincoln sitting down, a blurry image captured, because the photographer thought he had a long time to set up.  Meanwhile, the speech was under three hundred words - and arguably one of the most important and memorable talks ever given.  

I used to debate on political forums about ten years ago, and it was generally believed that the Civil War was not actually about slavery, but Mr. Lincoln's speech shows that the 21st century generation needs a history lesson.

Here is the Gettysburg Address.  There are several known copies, but this is the one that is on display in the White House.  Let us please remember what America truly represents!  

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Abraham Lincoln

November 19, 1863