Seek HIS refuge

Step One is about more than just "admitting" that we are powerless over alcohol.

It is actually surrendering to it.

We have agreed that alcohol is a power greater than ourselves, and we all have our different stories, under the same banner, which drove us into the rooms. But who of us truly believes that it is bigger, faster, stronger, and craftier than us? The very few of us who do recover.

Imagine that alcohol is your opponent on the battlefield, and you are the last man standing. All the others have fled or died. (Let's say family, friends, and employers, all of those people who most of us have lost one way or another, by the end). It's time to surrender.

When we look at what it means to surrender in war, it no longer becomes a word that implies some sort of righteous, humble action-taking before God, that it seems to have taken in the fellowship. No, it is actually saying to your enemy, "Do what you will with me now."

What a terrifying thought.

And this is why those who recover "get it", and are far and few between. Because now, we have given up any power, or any illusion of power that we (thought we) had. We know that we are at the end, and we finally saw that there is no fight left in us. It doesn't matter how high or low the bottom, it is just about saying, "Enough!"

But now here's the dilemma: we need real intervention, or else we might as well have just died on the battlefield, for we are just shells, as powerless as we were before we ever admitted complete defeat. 

Who can save us now? We've just placed ourselves as a lamb before the slaughter.

So the answer is in Step Two, and for many of us, myself including, it starts out with the meetings.

That gives us some strength, enough to blindside our enemy long enough for us to dash out of sight, but that's not enough. We are still homeless, powerless, and running out of fuel.

It's time for Step Three, because we - the ones who have found shelter and food - won't be around everywhere you go, and you see, you have to go, for we all have different paths to walk. Who can be present, no matter what the condition? Who is greater than all of us combined?

Make your decision.

Now.

Because we will ask you to leave if you have overstayed your visit. We are not here to hold your hand, but we are here to rejuvenate you, and to offer camaraderie when you follow instruction.

We are just like you - survivors from a bloodied battlefield, but we are no longer camping out, wandering.

We have achieved a sustainable way of living. We are no longer empty shells, but are now vessels of Spirit. So either follow in our footsteps, to the One who has all Power, or you will be left alone to the wolves and the thieves .

Make no mistake about it. This disease is deadly. It either destroys the body, imprisons the mind, or plunders the spirit.

We who have recovered have sought a path beyond a finite line from no man's land. We rest within a greater power now, and we can and will help only those who take direction

And we do not give handouts.

Rest in Peace Paul.

Hate the world

I am in a few Catholic/Protestant groups on Facebook, and thousands upon thousands of members actually think they are being good followers of Christ, posting from their egos, when instead we are taught to die to self.

To take after Christ is to be despised by the world. It is to be the one in a hundred who walks alone, with only God by his side, because there is only one who can be shepherd. The handful in an entire community who have the honesty to challenge mediocrity and the politically correct social committees. Those precious few, already rare, who are then scattered as well. This is one of the devil's war tactics: divide and conquer. 

Instead of supporting each other, we look at our faith superficially so that we can appear to be more favoured or pure, more desirable and trust-worthy. We think to be a good Christian is to do good deeds or say the right prayers at the right times of the day. No, that is not what it means to be saved, at all. To be a real follower of Christ is to have a total rebirth, to cut out the root of darkness that has grown like a weed in the very depth of our spirits. To then have that newly emptied space which has been utterly voided of sin, ready and open and desperate to be filled with God's spirit - that is what it means to be born again.

To love our neighbour enough that we genuinely want them to have a nice day, free from the pain of this cold world, and to not do a good deed simply because it is convenient, on the way, a resource directly in front of us, or that we're in a good mood. *Brushes palms of hands briskly against each other, "That's my good deed for the day" nonsense*.

No, it is to come from a place of love even in suffering, of compassion even when feeling dejected. While it is well and good to want to earn heaven and avoid hell, it is even better to sincerely care enough for a person that we will pray for them, even if they have hurt us, that we will be happy for those we are jealous of, or that we will lift others up, with the risk of being unseen ourselves. That is the Great Commandment.

Jesus said that he will spit the lukewarm from his mouth. He also said that he will deny anyone who is not reborn, even if they do all the right "actions".

"Many will come to me on that day and say, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons, and perform many miracles?' And to them I will say, 'Get away from me, you evildoers. I never knew you.'" - Matthew 7.22-23

A Cure

At my meeting tonight, a big topic was relapsing. Several of the more prominent recovered members, who take on sort of teacher roles, talked about there being no such thing as a "relapse": that it's a catch phrase from the past twenty years or so, and that the word used before that was "slip".

Their point was that there ought to be no insinuation that something was lost (sobriety), because something was never gained (recovery). It really inspired me, and I immediately began to contemplate what sobriety really is. In the program, we believe that there is only one solution to alcoholism, and that is connecting with God through the Steps. In other words, the cure is spiritualism, and the premise is that if we follow the clear set of instructions as outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, we will recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. We will not "relapse".

About two hours later, on a completely unrelated note (but God is in the details), I was speaking with a teacher who was talking about a student who was having trouble with his assignments, and with three weeks left of the year, she was putting pressure on the parents to help out. She said how this student has severe problems, and I asked if the school psychiatrist does not have the tools to help him. The child cannot be helped for various reasons, one being that the school can only intercede so far without direct parental consent, to which they will not give.

I asked, was he schizophrenic, and she said no. In my ignorance I asked, what is worse than schizophrenia, and she looked away thoughtfully and paused. She lowered her brows and said slowly and quietly, that she thought he might be an actual psychopath.

I remember reading once online that the word "psychopath" was coined by a doctor in the late nineteenth century to diagnose an alcoholic, and that the term actually morphed into "sociopath", to denote the damage that was done on society. While I have been having trouble cross-referencing this, I did stumble upon a pioneer of psychotherapy, Hervey Cleckley, who is attributed for coming up with the most influential research in psychopathy in his book published in 1941, just two years after Alcoholics Anonymous was published in 1939.

One thing that he noted, was that the psychopath can seem normal and engaging. This is exactly, and I mean exactly, what we read tonight in one of the stories in the book. A man named "Jim", who seemed "normal so far as we could see, except for a nervous disposition...In a few years (after he began drinking at thirty-five) he became so violent when intoxicated that he had to be committed". (35).  It's actually eerie.

This teacher who I mentioned is so smart and compassionate. This child is so ill that he actually frightens the other teachers, but not this one. But to see that even the best don't have an explanation, this is when we start using the word "hopeless". This is the history of alcoholism, and why today A.A. is such a massive organization, even internationally, with its book translated in about every language, being read in about every culture.  It is the only antidote.

There was no solution, and so sufferers were locked away in asylums reserved nearly exclusively for alcoholics. But somehow, through a lineage of people and deliverance ministries, we now have a remedy, eighty years later. To think how this fellowship has exploded, just a few generations ago, with today there being millions upon millions of members worldwide, with every meeting following the same format. So one meeting in North America is the same in Europe or the Middle East or Russia: we can go anywhere, and we are brethren. It is incredible, it has saved lives, families, and communities. Truly, we all take it for granted. 

And I now wonder, is it possible, is it entirely possible that someone so deranged, so vicious, so seemingly soulless, could have a daily reprieve, as well?

So much of our program is about the grace of God; it's tempting to make decisions on who can be healed, and who can't, and it's easy to ignore problems, until the moment they arise. But even the demons will rise again on the day of the resurrection (2 Peter 2.4). How far can God's grace go, and do we really have the ability to choose it, or to decide who is capable of receiving it.

Pentecost Sunday

Yesterday marked the end of Easter, when the Apostles received the Holy Spirit. 

The day before, a man from the Fellowship asked if I had received the gift of tongues when I was baptized (for I am a convert, as he is). I said no, and I realized that I had no idea what gift I received.

That night, I dreamt that I was speaking in tongues, and it was really frightening, like I was possessed. When I awoke and went to church the next morning, I didn't even know it was Pentecost. I fell into a depression after the climax of the Easter season, and haven't been too consistent in my attendance, and have been a little "out of it". But I went to confession two weeks ago, and got that all sorted out. I was so glad I went to Mass, it was a very big day in the Church; I was also amazed that the theme of tongues had kept coming up the past couple of days.

After I took the Eucharist, I asked the Father to speak to me, but nothing came. When the priest said the closing prayer/verse reading about showing the world the glory of the Lord, something like that, I thought, in my dream, there was no real marvel, it was more so just plain scary. Then I realized that the prophets were fearsome. Not because they were intimidating as people, but because their messages were often forewarning. 

And then a voice came to me, "You are a prophet", and I knew it to be true. And as I meditated on this message, I realized that I was baptized specifically to receive this gift. I didn't necessarily want to be baptized. Yes I knew that something was missing, but I was in yoga teacher training at the time, and I thought I was going to be filled with the mastery of Eastern esotericism instead. But the Church led me, and I had to heed her call, for it is written, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fill all righteousness".

Prophets make people feel uneasy, that's why Jesus said that a prophet is not accepted in his hometown. When I was little, I was so afraid of Jesus. It was so strange, because children are taught that Jesus is all love, and all embracing. My mother had to reassure me, telling me that if he did appear to me, I would feel warmth and comfort. I aspire to be this for other people, but the message is clear: Accept your remorse, and clean up!

The Lord says that what he really wants is a broken and contrite heart. If your heart is broken, it is because there is something that you did wrong, there is something that you must confess! Look deep, because it's there, there is something there for you to be rid of that is rotting away at your soul. You're not a bad person, but you are a spiritually sick person, and your troubles are of your own making.

I used to feel sorry for people, and my entire life, I put myself down, thinking that I was either helping others to feel as good as me (or, not as bad as they actually were), or better than me. It was especially hard for me at the store. There is no kindness there, it is the epitome of the corrupted large corporation, and I felt so sorry for my co-workers, to the point that I didn't want to leave, because I felt I didn't deserve it.

But the past week, as I made my decision to work toward a fulfilling future, I realized that we have to work to be successful in life. And it's hard work, because it takes discipline. It's far easier to go and do work, typically mindless work, and to get a paycheque, than to branch off and take a new (usually frightening) direction.

Today, I know the difference between compliance and compassion, between false pride and genuine love. By staying at the store, I was confusing being a "team player" with being unmotivated. But the reality is that I am a leader, and I can see now that there is no place for real leadership in that store. And I no longer take pity upon my colleagues for their abhorrent working conditions, because I have come to realize that no one needs to be there. People get stuck in life, because they get stuck in their SINS. Most notably in this case, greed (on the management side) and sloth (on the worker side). And permit me to clarify. I mean "sloth" in the, just roll-over-and-die, go out with a whimper,  sense. We are spread thin, and I use NO exaggeration when I say that "they" would use whips, if they could.

Be happy. Look to the Lord, be perfect like He is. Why are you not perfect? Why are you resentful of the past, empty of hope in the present, and full of fear for the future? What are you holding onto that is preventing you from being satisfied? Is it anger? jealousy? lust? Are your defects eating away at your connection to God, and to your ambitions?

Cut it out at the root by being honest with yourself and with someone else who is in a position to help and offer direction, and finally, be FREE from the powers of darkness, be abundant in good fruits, and go in PEACE! 

Sons of God

In reading Bible Gateway's daily passage the other day, about the good things that come from heaven, as recorded by James in chapter 3, I thought about the peacemakers that Jesus taught about in his beatitudes, when he said that they will become (sons) of God, and I realized that sons of God are not angels, as generally thought about from Genesis 6.4. This is a big revelation, and would turn the conspiracy community upside down. 

Major theologian players and saints have taught that sons of God mean angels, or even that they were descendants of Seth (Good), and that the daughters of men were descendants of Cain (Evil). This as well must be erroneous, for God does not choose favourites.

As Luke writes, sons of God are LIKE angels. We are not, in fact, angels. Many false paths could be dug up, if we as a society (for there are many of us, from New Age to Christian to possibly even Agnostic) would recognize that humans and angels are interspecial. I would like to be an angel, people have tended to call me one, in fact. But if anything, I am a prophet. We are humans, and the best that we can do, is aspire to be a peacekeeper, so that we might enjoy the fruits of the angels.

There is a reason why the peacemaker receives the highest award for his works, because to keep peace is to constantly come from a place of love, and as Paul said, the most important gift that we may give, and inso then receive, is love.

In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with being human. Yes, it is unglamourous and painful and at times even crude, but we who have been baptized know that we are the Lord's prized possession. And that, is certainly worth living for.

Volume II

"'I took you from the ends of the earth,
    from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.'"

Isaiah 41.9-10, NIV

Blessed are the meek

This is an article that I wrote exactly two months ago. I believed that I was going to get a dotcom site, and I had begun preparing articles for it. This is the third article that I wrote, and I thought it would be nice to post it for my April entry. Peace.

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Today I came to an important understanding in Christ’s words. While I understand that his beatitudes were to inspire and uplift, I now realize that the “have-nots” really are the inheritors of the earth. While meek does not mean poor, it does mean to be soft and gentle, and that is why this type does not usually make it big in the cut-throat world of industry. Ergo, the meek can easily get left behind in this world of commerce.

I have been working at a big department store, and it has turned my world view upside down. It has been an invaluable experience, because it has made me a better person. I can peacefully work with all sorts of personalities now, I am better in customer service than I have ever been (which is a talent in itself), I have grown in patience, because I have learnt that even the most annoying and mundane tasks can actually be beneficial to me and my time,  I dispelled a lot of my social fears and anxieties, I cultivated a discipline that earned me a fast track through the ranks, but most importantly, it connected me to life in a way that I deep down always wanted, but was too proud to take on.

I managed to stay where I have been the past year and a half, because of my co-workers, and even the managers. I love the camaraderie, and that feeling of unity has been the bright spot in my days. It doesn't matter what is going on in my body or mind when I get into work: the moment I see a peer, all is right in my world again. We find ways to survive, because the store is the epitome of capitalism, with its gilded floors and ceilings, overpriced merchandise for the credit card holders, and yet neglect, filth, and scarcity behind the curtains. I would often think to myself, why should I have a way out? What about the immigrants, the uneducated, the full-timers who are pushing into their second or even third decade, with very little benefits? I began to see the greedy, self-entitlement of the consumer, and the exhaustion of the worker, and the unrealistic expectations that are placed on us, when the boss is in a different country who tell us to do something, and then puts pressure on us to amend it.

So I began to identify less with my co-workers. I could not understand how they could work in such trying conditions, and I began to plan my way out. After speaking with a (rational) engineer though, I came to realize that, while it is easy to slip through the cracks in a big corporation, these jobs are in fact needed: they are therefore important, and there are valuable workers to heed the call. While a sales associate will not make the same salary as an administrator or manager, for example, we all have a right, regardless of our line of work or education, to have a sustainable income. We all have the right to clean and safe environments. Ultimately, this job has made me a socialist.

Today, this job has also helped me to understand part of what Jesus meant in his Sermon on the Mount. As the store continues to grow in capitalism, more high-end labels are coming in, and they are coming in on their own accord. The worker and the customer are in danger of getting left behind. The licencees have their own workers, and these workers either think they are in the class of the customer, or maybe they just never really grew up. I am now the only non-licencee working in this back area of the floor, which has seemed to make me vulnerable. The silent drama that I have experienced the past few days with them has been unlike anything I have ever experienced. Not even in elementary school have I been ostracized in this way. I have never witnessed such a vicious takeover. While the rejection lasted but a couple of weeks, after a licencee who remained neutral interceded on my behalf, it was an incredible lesson.

Now I know what Jesus really meant. The meek stick together. We form bonds, and we lift each other up, whereas the proud hurt each other, and step on the toes of their fellows. The meek ask each other how they are doing, but the proud ask each other what they are doing. The meek support and cover each other; the proud are distant and absorbed. The meek turn away from complaining; the proud feel it’s obligatory to complain. The meek are tired and weary; the proud are wired and looking to impress. The meek inspire and offer advice; the proud doubt and confuse. The meek are the ones who will show their faces when you are hurting; the proud are the ones who will look away.

This is why the meek are blessed, this is why we are happy even in our destitution, and this is how we keep going. God adores the meek, and prepares us a room in his mansion, and so, we need not be concerned about having one ourselves. We have already inherited the earth, so now we just want to make sure our guests feel comfortable.