The kingdom of God is in our hearts

I have been struggling with my studies lately. My mind has been wandering unsupervised, and then after having a number of significant disappointments, which had been accumulating since early fall, drive all of my grand designs to a screeching halt this week, my weary being was officially exhausted.

I was to work at the bar tonight, and as soon as my shift started, I knew I was in trouble. I could barely get out of bed, I was just dreading my day starting. This winter weather also reaches its peak in February, which was just insult to injury. How was I going to "entertain" the regulars when I've been a blink away from tears?

When the expectations of the fruit of my labour does not ripen for the picking, my faith becomes weak. Being a Christian means sacrifice of self, so that we may merge with God. This is the way of the Cross. But when I am feeling dejected, and that there is nothing left to give, I go into survival mode, and I just want to take instead. I want to fill that void that I have created in my heart. All I want is to go my own way, and do as thou wilt.

While I have felt so far removed from any inspiration, I knew that I needed help fast. So I went to my Bible app, and read whatever came up first. It was from Luke 17, and I only needed to read one sentence before my heart began to pump again. Jesus said that we are not to look for the kingdom of God, because it is not a physical place; rather, it is "amidst" us. "Amidst" is the original word, but "within" is more popularly known, and is an acceptable translation as well. 

I put my trust in God. I use my faith to make sense of my life, and I spend most of my energy in trying to do the next right thing, and in reading, contemplating, communicating with other Christians, attending mass, and prayer. So when I really can't make sense of certain letdowns and I start to slack, I find it hard to bounce back. Fortunately, I have enough "muscle memory", that I instinctively knew to connect with God so that I could have the best attitude possible, as I knew I was at the end of the line. 

As I was preparing for my shift, I intrinsically recalled that the ailment was not in my external failures, but rather my internal assumptions. So when I turned to the scripture not even thirty minutes after this revelation, I was then ready to recognize the truth of Christ's words, even though I have read that verse countless of times. I realized that he was talking about our hearts: that is the "center", or the "amidst", and this is the fulfillment of the prophecy in the Old Testament, when Yahweh declared that he would write the Law on our hearts, instead of on cold, hard stone. 

I was given a gift of brief meditation, first to recollect my bearings, and then to turn to ancient wisdom. And so, my heart had been relieved, and I was ready to receive my guests. Sometimes we can feel defeated by loss, rejection, disappointment, even bad weather, but we will always have a way out of despondency, because Christ assured us that we can take heart, for he has already conquered the world.

Rigorous honesty

I was at a meeting this week, and while I think the group has an awesome group conscious, and that the chair did an excellent job, this particular meeting was incredibly flaky. There were so many disgusting excuses like, "I'm having a hard time finding a sponsor who I can click with", to, "I don't need to be perfect, it's okay to make mistakes", to, "The universe is so big, and I'm so small. Really, nothing matters very much", and, "We don't take anything when we leave here, we really need to lighten up." 

OH MY GOSH

Needless to say, these are the dry drunks and the chronic relapsers. Um, HELLO!! This is why our emblem says we only recover unless we are "rigorously honest". So, what does this mean, what exactly is honesty here. Honesty is to accept our illness and all its devastating consequences. This is Step One, and anyone who does not recognize that they are on a crash course, have ZERO right to be sitting in on any other Step.

It is so easy to dress up a bit, flirt a bit, socialize a bit, and to then sit down and say, "Oh yeah, I'm doing really well", without sharing how they are doing well, because in actuality, they are just on a high from being out and about. Then, an hour later, they go home only to be sitting in the same shit. Yeah, that shit that caused us to enter the rooms in the first place. Who actually cleans off that shit? From what I see and hear, not too many. And this is because no one is actually looking at their true selves. 

There is a reason why the word "psychopath" was coined by doctors in the late 1800's to categorize alcoholics. We are not good members of society (when actively drinking, and even after, if we don't "clean house", we simply become "dry", with no actual recovery). We steal, lie, cheat, act out, destroy relationships, hurt others, lose jobs...the list is ad infinitum. To delete these destructive behaviours from our lives is the ENTIRE purpose of the program. The true alcoholic knows that in order to recover from alcoholism we must shed the shortcomings that cause the character defects that literally destroy lives.

I cringe listening to people talk in meetings about New Age nonsense and "progress, not perfection", when they offer no solution, and I am not at all better for it; everyone's time is wasted. That time was important to me, because in my messy breakup, I really needed to listen to recovered alcoholics who practice the principles of the program, helps me with my outside issues to live within proper conduct. 

But despite my shortcomings, so long as I stay in the Sunlight of the Spirit, I can offer a solution. I knew I was desperate, and I listened to the people who genuinely went through the Steps, not those who read from the Twelve and Twelve, and who "share" on what particular sentence inspired them that evening. Because I looked at myself, saw the nastiness and talked about it, I began to heal, and was then able to actually tell others how. This program is about the Twelve Steps, and the sponsorship that helps us stay on the straight and narrow. So let's stop making this program into something that it's not. No more Christianity, no more Buddhism, no more New Age...NO MORE.

I want to ask these people to stop wasting my time; they are not my people. because I am not even sure they are real alcoholics, or if they are just so dishonest that it is nothing short of frustrating to see them try to Twelve Step us, or sponsor a true alcoholic who actually needs to clean house in order to survive. These losers who instead have false spiritual experiences and then fill the rooms with nonsense that will not keep them sober, nor lend a hand to anyone who still suffers. This program has become such a facade, and it is deceptive that sick people who really don't want to admit that they are sinking will use it as a group therapy/social club. They need to leave the fellowship and start a book club instead.

Oh, but right, they wouldn't be able to do that, because that means they would actually have to be social without their crutch. Don't be fooled by their codependent niceties. These are the people who will smile to your face, and stab you in the back. They are lying, manipulating, cliquey fakers, and clearly have no desire to recover. I have witnessed this for myself. Gossiping, confrontational, and my favourite, "I came in and just stopped drinking", or, "I accidentally took a sip from a glass of straight vodka, but it was an accident, so it didn't count", garbage.

There is a battle between the people who practice from the Big Book, and those who simply go to meetings. There are some very powerful speakers, mostly from Cocaine Anonymous, because as a non-alcohol group, there is the temptation to use the Steps, the slogans, the common teachings that have no trace to the pioneers ("No dating in the first year", "Go to ninety meetings in ninety days"), but to not read from the original text. But this is also common in the fellowship as well. And this is why some call the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, the "Bible": it has not been changed, it is the literature that teaches about the need for God, and if sincerely studied with recovered alcoholics, there is no need for any other text.

And, it is the Big Book that maps out, bitterly but necessarily, our core ailment: the selfishness that preoccupies us so terribly, that causes so much pain to ourselves and consequently to others, and which insidiously tells us that we can run the show without a legitimate Director. This is why those who use the fellowship as a social club, simply do not recover. They can not, even though their lives depend on it, accept (Step One) that there is something socially hideous about them. It is really sad, but what is more disappointing, is being in a fellowship with them.

Gratitude

Tonight's meeting was small for its group, but large for one room. Since it's New Year's eve, most people didn't want to go to a meeting, and so the entire group, which has two hundred registered members, was compiled into one room. It really put things into perspective for me. I hope that no matter how far I come along in recovery, I am always at a meeting on these big occasions.

The chairman is newly two years sober, and is doing well in his new relationship. I say doing well in a worldly way, but maybe in some ways is putting his girlfriend before his program. But that's between him and God. Ultimately, he did a great job chairing, and that is all that matters right now. But before he opened the floor for discussion, he reminded us to be mindful of the time, as some would want to ring in the new year.

And then came the resentments. I was already in a bad mood. First, I have not integrated socially in sobriety, so I am about to ring in the new year by myself, posting this blog. Second, my relationship officially ended this morning. And third, my job is squeezing me dry, and having to stay late caused me to be late for my meeting, which for this group I am already so uncomfortable going to. I was actually regretting having gone, and even nearly turned the other way at its threshold. 

Then, the chairman suggested that we talk about what we are grateful for. So, the resentments became even stronger. 'Oh wait until it's my turn', I thought; 'I'll show them gratitude!' Fortunately, we went "popcorn style", and I had enough sensibility to stay the eff shut-up.

But then, and through no genius or grace of anyone, I began to melt, and became inspired to write a blog, which I was hoping to do for this occasion, as I did last year. Once I felt inspired, I began to feel grateful, and once I felt grateful, I began to feel graceful, and once I felt graceful, I was able to see God in all of the things that I had been perceiving to be threats.

All we really have in our lives is gratitude. That is the gift that comes directly from God, and is the only thing that we can really rely on. I heard a man share last night, and I know that he has a lot of ego, but I also can put my own ego aside to not only listen to him, but to carry with me his message, because for me, it's that powerful. But he is dry right now, and it was disconcerting to me to hear him say that he was sick of the fellowship, that after a while, you've said it all and heard it all. But then, he shared on the Step we read from, and it was, as always, brilliant. After the meeting I told someone how it disturbed me to see people with such insight and time under their belts, be so negative. And his reply was, we need to remember to be grateful.

Gratitude keeps us humble, and humility is the only way to really be happy, because to have humility is to have God. Only the honest man will admit that he is nothing without God, and I don't care how this God is perceived. God IS, which means we can't bugger that up. 

I pray to God that I may always be grateful, that even when I may have resentments I don't sit in them, that even when I may be hurt, I don't hurt others, that even when I may feel uninspired, I still try, and that even when I may feel frustrated, I still contribute.

Life is so precious, and I really see that now, and not in a way that, 'Oh, I'm feeling happy because things are going my way, and I have a platform to pretend to be grateful', only to become depressed a few hours later.. I truly have grown fascinated with the capabilities and mechanisms of all that is on Earth, and I pray to the LORD that despite the disappointments and hardships and changes and heartaches and spiritual challenges, I may always see the beauty and the harmony and the fellowship of HIS magnificent creation that I have been blessed to experience and witness. 

Welcome Two Thousand and Fifteen! We've been waiting for you :)

Midnight Mass

Tonight I went to my first midnight mass, in the five years that I have attended, four of those as an initiated Catholic.

It was joyous, so beautiful. The service was like any other mass, but the people and the energy was different. There were a lot of young people. It's too bad they don't go the rest of the year.

The homily was of course terrific, about "humanity" being an idea, but that rather we are human beings: individuals who are special, unique, and infinitely loved by God.

It was important for us to be reminded that while principalities from above govern our world, we can have peace, that starts with us, autonomously.

We were told that God came to us as a helpless baby, and that having children is the miracle of this world. We were reminded that we are chosen by God to be pro-creators - to create on God's behalf, and were encouraged to thank our parents for saying yes to God, as Mary did, and for bringing us into existence.

It was wonderful to be reminded that reality is not about what we see on the outside. It has put my worldly disappointments into perspective. A child is born, and my spirit has been renewed. 

One Year

Stability wasn't in that time
but now it is complete.
Thank God this year is over
I pray, never to repeat

If I look too far ahead,
I surely will go mad
and demons could take over
and steal all that I have had.

The things in this time that I did wrong
had paradoxically,
led me to the clarity
I found in that insanity.

At first it took too long,
and then it got too tough
then stagnancy had a grip on me
but now here it is, in an unwelcomed rush.

Now what I haven't had is mine
in more than half my life.
Study, pray, attend, and give;
these things, they will suffice.

The semantics of recovery

In the Fellowship, we talk about the obsession to drink being lifted, about being "recovered", and some days I wonder if being healed is the same as being recovered. I do feel that the Lord has healed me via the grace required to make changes in both attitude and behaviour, but I am not as certain about being recovered; especially when I am having troubles in my relationships or work. And then there is the assertion that there is no cure. So what is the difference between heal, recover, and cure?

From Dictionary Reference:

Heal - "To make healthy, whole or sound; to restore to health. To bring about a conclusion; to settle or reconcile. To be free from evil; cleanse; purify."

Recover - "To cover again, or renew. To make up for, or make good. To regain strength, composure, balance. To reclaim from a bad state, practice."

Cure - "A means of healing or restoring to health; remedy. Successful remedial treatment. A means or correcting or relieving anything that is troublesome or detrimental. To restore to health. To relieve or rid of something detrimental."

It seems to me that "heal" and "recover" are synonymous, and "cure" is the means to the result. (Note: "salvation" is also defined as means to an end, "act; source; deliverance" "to protect from harm, risk").

And yet, we are taught that there is no cure (Even though in the second account in Part I from the "Personal Stories" at the back of the Big Book, pioneer "number three" described himself as cured, and that he attended meetings only for fellowship, and giving back.) It would seem to me that if there is no cure, there is no recovery. Alcoholism is tri-fold: a bodily component where one cannot stop drinking, a mental component where one cannot stop thinking of drinking, and a spiritual component, where recovery is. God is the cure, the means to being healed. So essentially, to say there is no cure is to limit the answer, which is God. We are further told that "what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." Well, this is an experiential program, and I know from experience that statement is not true. There are many, many days the Lord protected me, when I did nothing to deserve it (failing to keep "spiritually fit").

Something I have been wrestling with is the question of what constitutes the real ailment? For myself, I have stopped relating to alcoholism as a "disease"; if anything, it is a spiritual affliction or oppression. I personally have outside issues, and that is my illness. Alcoholism was, in all likelihood, a method of maintaining that illness. I knew that in order to recover from my outside issue, I had to quit drinking: I had to quit masking what truly ailed me. This meant that I had to describe myself as an alcoholic. Well again, it is semantics, and sadly, this is where the sufferer gets tripped up (even though we refer to ourselves as defiant, we must label ourselves to receive help.) This though, is the paradox of the relief: we get better by taking direction; by, as one speaker eloquently put it, being obedient. Let us pause here to read that the definition of alcoholism is, "a seemingly hopeless condition of mind and body."

When I bottomed out, the shortcoming of the utter despair of loneliness that led to devastating heartache, through my insane actions, lowered me to the floor. But then I was granted the miracle of escape, for I was able to permit defeat and start over. When I accepted my failures, I began to do the work, and as a result I became recovered. I am no longer an alcoholic. I was an alcoholic, who has now been cured by God. It is "the gift of desperation", and only the honest person will be able to heal, because only the honest person will go against his or her natural instincts - to act and even believe that nothing is wrong - to admitting that in actuality, he or she is so downtrodden, death seems like a reasonable solution.

But God gives life through His Son, ("I am the resurrection and the life"), and thereby when we are so humbled by the beating of whatever drives us to such destructive intake of what in truth is a poison, we become willing to receive such help. This aid comes at first through places people and things: meetings, sponsorship/fellowship, and books, and then moves on, for me, into imitation, and then into a genuine reception of the cure: God.

Can I become an alcoholic again, yes I imagine so, because I have a predisposition to cut myself off from God. However, I refuse to live life "an arms length away from picking up that first drink". Through working with others, in other words, through living the program, I can bravely accept that I am healed (and to not accept our recovery is actually blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, which can be read about here), I can also bravely acknowledge a past which historically exists, I can accept that I do not have the luxury to let memories slide into an obsession when I recollect that past, which can come from an intentional "remember when", to having to revisit places, to right out of left-field. And I can bravely accept that I have recovered from a cure, which is not the meetings, or the sponsorship, or the literature, or the fellowship; it is through the desire that was gifted to us through grace to be healed that allows for the works that bear the fruit from that which we may then reap: from God who gives those things to lead us to the narrow path, and then who guide us to communion with him, where we may be saved (cured).

Coming up to one year, and having the ability to recognize that I have been saved, which I can see from the direct result of my thinking, acting, ethics, and relationships, I am no longer the desperate new-comer that I was six months ago, when I truly bottomed out. I now must question openly, and conclude openly, what I have come to understand. And I thank you all for reading. Amen!

Dying to self to be reborn

An expound of how Steps Three and Seven lead to direct contact with Christ, through the act of conversion, thereby relieving the sufferer of alcoholism, and illustrating how most in the modern fellowship do not recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

It is "seemingly" hopeless, because those sufferers do not have sufficient power in their lives, let alone in their program. The significant reason for our spiritual malady is the shortcoming that is not understood within the rooms: fear.

In Step Three, we pray to be freed from the bondage of self. In Step Seven, we pray for the removal of what cuts us off from the Sunlight of the Spirit. We know that selfishness is the root of our problems, but fail to recognize that selfishness is in actuality the fear that leads to the sins which are called "character defects". Our alcoholism, a symptom, is a linear chain of events, starting from infancy, maturing into a fatal mental illness which ultimately will take the spiritual member to the very gates of hell, and where only the honest alcoholic who is willing to have a conversion experience may evade.

We begin with our shortcomings, which is the selfish phenomenon of fear, which then increases into the acting out byway of character defects, which are our sins: pride, greed, envy, lust, gluttony, anger, and sloth, and eventually manifests into active alcoholism. 

We can extrapolate, then, that bondage of self is actually anxiety that results from self-absorption: the fear of losing something that we have, or not getting what we need and/or want. When we genuinely pray to be healed, we are calling upon God to relieve us of our fear. If we are given the grace, God will lead us to his Son, who repeatedly promised in the Bible that he was to give us rest from worry.

In order to combat alcoholism and addiction, we must replace the circumstance that leads to the first drink. We must replace fear (selfishness) with faith (trust in God). We must die so that we may be reborn; this is the crux of not only the third and seventh steps, but of the program of recovery as a whole. For Christ is all, and abandonment through prayer is the only Way out.

To be saved is not to recite, but to believe; not to be willing, but to complete; not to speak, but to connect; and not to participate, but to sacrifice. It is then and only then, that we become as open to conviction as the dying can be. The twenty-first century program does not have recovery, because it does not have Christ. The ruined do not have the courage to face their deaths, and this is why so few are now reborn.