Treating the Alcoholic with Compassion

After writing my passion paper that was worth 40% of my final grade, and sharing it as an invitation for people who qualify as Al-Anon members to view the disease of alcoholism with compassion, I discovered the tension that some people might have to this concept of openly loving someone who is slowly destroying themselves (and hurting others while they do it).

Sadly, this world is not very confident in what compassion looks like, but I had to learn the hard way what it actually is, and how to exhibit it. Compassion is not the same as submission. Compassion is not the same as weakness, or having no boundaries, or having low self-esteem. No, it is the opposite. 

Compassion is being strong when feeling completely beaten down by darkness. It's giving, by caring about what the other person is experiencing, more than what one's own desires or discomforts are. It's looking for a solution when the world has long given up. It's understanding that things are not as they seem on the surface, and that someone who is hurting themselves is in their most basic form, very hurt. Compassion is strength. It's holding space and sharing, even when we don't want to. 

For a few months, I stopped understanding alcoholism as a disease, and I rejected that model. I believed that it was a great step forward that gave alcoholics a way to receive help, instead of being locked away mercilessly and in some cases cruelly, but I also thought it was time to evolve this model to include trauma. What I didn't take into account is, trauma can be healed, but the recovered alcoholic cannot ever safely pick up another drink. I therefore had to concede, once again, that alcoholism is an illness that goes into remission, at best.

I empathize that people who have been hurt by a loved one's drinking might think that they were the good ones, or the innocent bystanders, but when honestly looking at the whole picture, we generally don't treat alcoholics well. It's normal to respond to problem drinkers without compassion, and it's a way of life to not have the space to process the confusing challenges that disease, such as alcoholism, presents to us. 

Enabling or people-pleasing are not the same as compassion, though they can become problematic character traits that arise from the traumatizing circumstances of living in an alcoholic home. Enabling or people-pleasing is doing something to get something, whether it's a feeling or an action, or it can be to avoid something such as an argument. Those traits are sicknesses in and of themselves, rooted in dishonesty, that drive the person acting out in them further into dis-ease. 

Compassion, on the other hand, is action out of genuine concern for someone else. An act of compassion can be as simple as saying hello and acknowledging someone, and then walking away. An act of compassion has boundaries, and it is not self-sacrificing. Compassion does not deplete us or leave us with character traits that need to be healed - it is a protected strength that comes from the understanding that all people are equal, and some are in insurmountable pain. Compassion thinks ahead - it sees the frailty of human life, and the suffering of the afflicted. A person who can act in compassion can put a moment of discomfort aside, to get to the truth of the matter. Compassion is the principle behind holding space, which becomes a safe place for all people to recover.

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Learning New Ways to Heal From Trauma

I’ve been working to understand more about trauma, and in this I am coming to realize that I have been possibly misunderstanding mental illness. When my father died of an alcohol related illness, most notably through his heart, but also most likely through liver and brain degradation as well, I blamed his drinking. I understood alcoholism as a disease, and I believed that he made bad choices continually until he passed a point of no return, where he became too sick to help himself.

But after his passing, I discovered things about him that fully surprised me. I began to connect the dots to his seemingly bizarre decisions, and through some findings, as well as my own contemplation and studies, I am not sure I can continue to accept his life as having been diseased. I think rather, his life was lived according to pain mitigation.

And isn’t that what we seem to often do, either going toward or away from pleasure or pain? The religious have devoted their lives and theology to understanding this phenomenon. The Buddhists call it the problem of attachment, and the Christians call it an unhealthy love for the world (or flesh); I have spent over a decade finding solace in these two systems. But after my tragedy, I now look to science as well, because I feel desperate to understand my history.

That said, the science of trauma is new, and so we don’t fully understand why some of us get addicted, or become disproportionately violent, lustful, or greedy. The disease model ties these negative patterns into selfishness, but I realize now that simply undermines trauma, which everyone to some extent has. I realize today that writing off bad behaviour as selfishness does not facilitate healing.

We do not yet know how to work with this sort of pain, and therefore we do not have a comprehensive view of how to mitigate it. What ends up happening is a fast downward spiral that is riddled in confusion and misunderstandings, and can lead to death itself. We do not seem to have the tools yet for the sufferer or their loved ones to properly navigate it. My work today involves finding ways to heal from trauma, which for the most part involves treatment rooted in Nonviolent Communication.

In the final analysis, we just want to be seen and heard. This I believe is the surest way to heal from trauma. If we can honestly look back through our histories during a situation that ended badly, and imagine having been given the space and empathy to have been understood, we probably could have averted a lot of chaos and heartache.

Therefore, I take great comfort in knowing that the solution is not as abstract as it might currently seem, and it can be put to use at any time. I think about my dad’s life, and I wonder what could have or would have happened if I practiced nonviolent communication with him. But I do not let my mind slip into remorse, because I didn’t know this structure at the time. I simply go about my remaining time on earth doing my best to maintain the space and empathy needed to practice this form on whoever might need it. I find a blessing in my curse, and am excited to contribute to this new field of trauma therapy.

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Christian Challenges

As I wrap up my long weekend, I feel relief as the heat wave passes, and I achieve a comfortable temperature. A beautiful breeze blows through the windows, and in all of this glory, I've been wanting to indulge in this good feeling, and entertain some feel-good thoughts of what a beautiful world it is.

So when my daily Bible reading was particularly upsetting, with a story from Samuel 2 that greatly disturbed me, I was tempted to just close the book for good. But I pressed on, and this is because while I am given these moments of relief, and dare I say bliss, life in and of itself is riddled with scarcity, violence, and heartache.

I do not find it acceptable to defy my Christian beliefs, which requests of me to read my Bible in its entirety and which in turn permits me to stand strong in the face of disbelief or incredible heresy, by rejecting the harsh truth of where it came from – an ancient world so devastating at times, that I would rather pretend it isn’t a part of my cultural history. But I have come to understand that a huge chunk of a life well-lived is spent in preparation. Preparation for the droughts, the wars, and the apathy.

Sacrificing theology on the altar of “feeling good”, which I understand today as idolatry and which paradoxically therefore separates me from God,  is something I reject today. I have gone through the fire and stood before the naysayers enough times now to know that it’s not just about knowing a few of Jesus’ more famous quotes (and then taking them out of context only to frustrate his true message of repentance), but it’s about knowing the history of those quotes.

It’s terribly frustrating to witness the mangling of the gospel to the point that it’s a whole new belief system, but at the same time, the joy of the evangelical is to speak the words of God, without even intending to, simply because “a lie can travel halfway around the world before truth gets its shoes on”. This is the stupidity of the devil: he doesn’t understand the human heart, and that when transformed by God through the grace of regeneration, it is brilliant and fearless.

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The Challenges of Being a Coach

One of the definitions of being a coach is to help a person take actions which support their wellbeing, every single day. I didn’t realize that I also need to take actions that support my motivation to coach, every single day as well.

We live in a world where our idea of health is backwards. We talk about smoking cessation, but really have just made it unacceptable to smoke indoors; we talk about weight loss, when really the issue is changing poor nutrition habits. Ultimately, we do not address the issues at hand, we just side-step them.

I know there is a better way to be healthy, a way where we are empowered from the inside, but I also now know with an ache in my heart that I am at the forefront of a movement that is counter-industry. A movement that rejects the status quo of substandard remedies. Where “less sick” is acceptable, instead of enjoying full recovery and freedom in health.

There is a veil over our eyes, blinding us to the fact that we are autonomous over our own minds and bodies, and that health is an internal renewable resource. Because of our culture’s archaic system of lack, we look outside of ourselves to feel better, oftentimes being guided further into this scarcity narrative.

As with any behaviour change, remaining motivated in my industry requires patience, and constant check-ins with a trusted source. As I walk along a path in wellness that is only beginning to unfold collectively, it can seem like a daunting task. Changing a habit, or changing an entire industry, requires faith and confidence. It’s important for me to remain connected to my purpose, my “why”.

It is exciting to be on the leading edge of change. I would rather go through the challenges of helping people transform the way they think about their health, and experience the setbacks of going against the grain, than to simply be a follower and accept “less sick” as a sufficient way of life.

Being able to hold space, and to help my clients come to an understanding of the power buried deep within them, is the joy of coaching. It is worth the moments of societal pushback and uncertainty of whether our structure will ever change, to continue my mission to help people heal and thrive.

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Healing From Trauma

"Tormented by thirst, they continued to argue with Moses. 'Why did you bring us out of Egypt? Are you trying to kill us, our children, and our livestock with thirst?' Then Moses cried out to the Lord, 'What should I do with these people? They are ready to stone me!'” Exodus 17.3

I started reading the Bible following the Lectio Divina practice, which is a very mindful way of reading scripture. Instead of my usual One Year Bible that I've treated like a study the past year, I am now reading piecemeal, using the formula of reading a shorter passage, meditating on it, praying on it, and then contemplating it. Having this extra time to really think about the passage allowed my mind to examine it in a deeper way, and what I read today reminded me of the tricky problem of trauma.

I have a lot of trauma. It’s generational, and it killed my dad. As a result, I’ve dedicated my current studies to understanding it, and learning how to respond to crises. I've chipped away at the shame which keeps trauma in the dark, festering like an infected wound. So when I read this passage today, I noticed two things: 1) The translation added the word "tormented", which I appreciated, because it caused me to take notice, and 2) In my Life Recovery Bible, the footnote for that section really wrote-off the pain that the Israelites were facing which drove them to battle against Moses. 

The thirst that the Israelites felt that lured them to defy God and Moses was looked upon as as a moment of weakness brought about by a temporary discomfort, but today I understand that trauma causes a phenomenon where the person is unable to think reasonably. Science is also beginning to support this by showing that episodes of trauma disrupts connectivity in the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that facilitates complex cognitive behaviour, personality expression, decision making, and moderates social behaviour.

What I have noticed since I have begun my journey to understand this type of distress is that it's largely misunderstood. I have heard people's trauma be dismissed by calling the person or their actions lazy, self-seeking, or crazy, amongst other fault-finding adjectives that steal our dignity. But I am finding in all of these circumstances, the person is coming from a place of incredible pain that causes actions that seem peculiar or offensive. 

I have found that the best way to manage trauma is to allow for space. This space permits the processing of the emotions that can get short circuited during times of stress. When I think back to the times I or someone I cared about acted strangely, it was because the space was not there to invite understanding and compassion - traits needed to begin the healing process. This is why my recovery today is contingent on having the space to allow love to flow, so that I can give myself or others the attention and respect needed to begin the healing process.

The ability to give space which supports the traits that bring about growth can seem like a contradiction, because in order to have space there requires a mindset of having enough to give, and it's the scarcity principle, which, for example the Israelites experienced, that often shows up when space is needed the most. I have discovered that true healing begins once we abandon the not-enough, victim mentality that keeps us grasping at straws. From there we can begin to give ourselves, and then others, the space to heal from generational trauma. 

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A Letter to Those Affected by Alcoholism

This is a letter I have written for anyone who is undergoing the tragedy of watching a loved one be consumed by alcoholism. While there is no concrete way to navigate this disease, coming from a place of compassion, which requires self-care, will be our greatest ally as we battle this seemingly insurmountable darkness.

One of the biggest problems of alcoholism, is the afflicted does it to themselves. While alcoholism is a disease according to the American Medical Association and the American Society of Addiction Medicine, and alcohol use and alcohol dependence has been classified as a mental illness by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), we still struggle to see the alcoholic as not having a choice in their illness.

Another complication is that it's a "family disease", meaning, in part, that it affects the entire unit negatively. This can make alcoholism seem like a hopeless state, but it's not. The Al-Anon members epitomize it perfectly with their motto, "Let it begin with me". Oftentimes, we feel so powerless over our loved one's drinking, that we find our own ways to escape. We get angry, we put up walls, we even move away. 

But we do have the power to change the way we think and feel, and to embody peace and unity, even in the midst of instability. We all have inner resources within us, that we can call upon for peace and comfort, even in the heights of chaos. 

And this is so good to do, because the disease is just that - a disease. While the afflicted might have started out drinking as a choice, it turned into an obsessive compulsive pattern that couldn't be broken without some sort of intervention. Alcoholism turns from heavy drinking into mental and physical dependence drinking, and steals everything from us. I believe it is one of the darkest forces in this world, but we are not without hope.

The alcoholic in your life might very well be dying from the many complications of chronic drinking, such as organ failure. They need compassion, not criticism - they already know they are wrong, even if they don't admit it to you. Compassion is a call to action. Try to keep the peace, first within yourself, and then within your relationship, no matter how strained it is. 

Reach out. Ask them how they are feeling, even if you already know they will say they are "fine". Offer little acts of kindness. Clean something up, share food, tell an interesting story. I know that some of these suggestions feel like tall orders, but I promise, you will never, ever regret it.

In conclusion, practice self-care, because having the space that self-care provides is going to help you stay in the eye of the storm. If you don't know what self-care is, you can start by reading this article here, which is a great place to start for information on what it is, and how to participate in it. And remember, our peace never comes from an external source, it is always within us, and it can be called upon for strength at anytime. 

Photo: Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Taking up Space

To take up space is to exist happily and wholly, just for the purpose of being alive. It is to express our needs without fear of judgement. It’s normal, however, for people in recovery to feel insecure and not want to have any sort of attention on them. If we stay small and in the corner, we might not get into anybody’s way and warrant any unwanted attention. While this might not be everyone's experience, for a large population of those coming into a fully autonomous recovered person, being out in the open and asking for needs to be met can be a daunting act of growth. 

And though we might start to get more healthy, learn about boundaries, and even develop some confidence which allows us to start feeling good about our talents and skills, we still shy away from being “out there”. And though there grows an awareness of affections, qualifications, and maybe even reception of accolades, we still struggle to take up space. We still feel guilty for receiving recognition and/or fearful of rejection and embarrassment.

At some point in some of our histories, we fed into a narrative that we didn’t deserve to be in open space. We then developed a slew of coping mechanisms ranging from perfectionism, to people-pleasing, to self-sabotaging, all to avoid the incredible discomfort of being seen, which to us felt like some sort of painful exposure to be avoided at all costs.

This incapacitating fear can lead to all sorts of problems that can range all the way from attitudes born of excessive pride to feelings of complete deficiency. But regardless of the beliefs, the response is generally the same - to freeze and remain inactive. The belief that we don’t deserve to take up space can reveal itself in any situation where wants and/or needs are not being articulated, for reasons that can vary from not believing there is possibility of achievement, to not feeling deserving of it.

One way to overcome this inaction is to practice self-compassion. Kristin Neff is a well-respected psychologist who created accessible and relatable teachings of how to be gentle with ourselves. Since perfectionism often precedes the hesitancy to take up space, her principles of self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness are simple ways to practice feeling less afraid to go where we want to go.

What are some ways that you give positive self-talk to take up space?

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