Developing Past Maturity

I have some pet finches. It's a long story how I became their custodian, but they are really sweet and I have learnt a lot from them. Sometimes I think they are smarter than me :) God loves the birds, sometimes I think they are closely behind people in His most treasured of creations.

Two of the birds have bred really quickly in less than half a year. About half of the babies died. Some from natural causes, some from accidents because I was moving cages around and there were casualties - they are very delicate. I consider all of this natural selection, as you might have noticed cages is plural :)

It is because these birds have bred so quickly that the cycle was perpetuated. I didn't want to separate the parents until the babies were trained, but possibly (I am almost sure) the babies were not grown enough by the time the mature birds mated again and before I knew it, there were three batches, one right after the other. There was no time to really develop the baby birds, the parents were on to the next one!

Now a new batch hatched a week or two ago, and the other two are in a separate cage as of a couple of days ago. I had to separate them because the dad was getting aggressive, and bullying them pretty badly. What I noticed leading up to the new cage is that the oldest batch (only one bird now) was sort of teaching the newer birds how to behave. It was really sweet to see. Now they are in their own cage and I am noticing there is not much mentoring happening. In fact, there is no much happening at all.

I made a possible connection that they didn't have enough time between each generation to grow in security. And before anyone concludes I am way over-thinking this, let me explain. Since I learn a lot about nature through nature, I made a connection between neglectful parenting, and stunted emotional growth.

These birds barely come out of their nest, even though I bought them a swing and toys, and they have a beautiful new home without any adult birds chasing them around, squawking at them. So why are they not enjoying their new space? Why do we, as people, stay stuck and fearful? Could there be a connection to our upbringing (or lack thereof).

It is so easy to blame failure on addiction, mental health, a recession, whatever. But maybe it's because we don't want to work hard, because that means we have to emerge from our "nest", or take chances because we have been (unintentionally) programmed to believe that we can't possibly be noticed or liked, so why bother going up against someone more qualified or charismatic? Why risk one more attempt to have a big fat life, only to instead become completely dejected and embarrassed.

But now I know that defeatist thinking isn't a result of some emotional hangup, it is not destiny, and it most certainly is not justified. Today I believe in determination and perseverance. I believe in coming out of the nest, and I believe that with the right training, people can be as competitive as the next, no matter the disadvantaged background or trauma.

I have since moved the new bird cage closer to one that has more mature birds in it, so they can see the other birds and hopefully learn new ways of spending their days, through them. Because I know that with the right support, they will have good lives, despite a few bad days at the beginning of them.

"Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" - Matthew 6.26

Healing Through Communication

Today for the first time in I suppose years I practiced the kundalini yoga "kirtan kriya" mediation, "Sa Ta Na Ma". Something that I made a connection to later this afternoon is that Ma, meaning "Rebirth" is related to the mudra (Finger positions used to direct energy flow) "buddhi", which is correlated with communication. I identify with this teaching, because I believe that being rebuilt comes after being broken down, through communication.

I have been reflecting on the paradox that in order to have, we must give. I more recently was considering my own spiritual journey, and how relaxed I am about discussing character flaws, which can at times make some people feel uncomfortable. I think this is because there is an idea that if we acknowledge something, we give it power and therefore it becomes real and insurmountable. But what I have discovered over the years is that by openly talking about problems, I am not making them anymore "real", but rather I am actually giving those problems away - they are no longer "mine", and I can no longer pretend to have control over them. In talking about my apprehensions I transition from having a problem to having a solution.

The apostle James says that we are reborn through the act of confession, or if that word is too unpalatable, the act of admission. Through admitting that I need the tearing down and resurrection of certain parts of myself, I am automatically qualified for acquittal, because in my disturbed state I think I am controlling the circumstance, but really, it is controlling me. What I require is true freedom which I attain by way of release. In releasing the ghosts, I receive the healing: I am restored.

Perfection is living within the degree of God's will for us, not by having earthly matters set up in a row, because the material is not real - it is valued based on set decisions made by people who might not have been living within that degree which God has set for us. As we move into the realm where attrition is no longer necessary, we may enjoy the benefits of humility, which is a reprieve for the pride that is a breeding ground for isolation and misery.

In releasing the lies of the ego, I receive the truth of the Holy Spirit, which acts through persons, places, things, and intuition. Blesséd are they who may speak to heal, first self and then others - through receiving and then giving to keep, for they are resurrected bearers of light.

"The Empty Tomb" by George Richardson

I Am Abundant

As I listened to beautiful classical music on community FM radio, I took the scenic route home from work this evening. I passed several landmarks of my youth, and I felt sadness. But today I know that feeling of sadness comes from a place of a skewed perception signalling to me that I both lost what I had, and didn't get enough of what I wanted during that time which those landmarks represented, as well.

That sorrow is not only being felt in vain, it is false.

It is false because I know that my God has not only not forsaken me, but that I am today in a place of abundance. This means two things: 1) I was never meant to have more of what I had in those places in space and time, and 2) Whatever I believe was taken from me was either not there to be taken in the first place, and that more is to be revealed IN GOD'S TIME.

Today I live in God's world, I don't just visit it time-to-time when I am feeling as Oswald Chambers put it "on the mountaintop". In God's world there are no accidents, and no one is left behind. In my grief during the early phases of my recovery I would ask God why He took things from me. He replied, "I have far greater things planned for you." I share this because while it was a personal comfort sent to me in a moment of distress, I believe that this message is universal.

As Joyce Meyer says, we are not victims - we are children of God. Every time I come from a place of lack, scarcity, trauma, or fear, I am setting myself up to break down any form of success that I am building up in my new life. The prayer of St. Francis of Assisi reads, "It is better to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved." These words have spiritually saved my life, and it is the people like the preachers and the saints, the authors and the recovered dreamers who are demonstrating that this world is abundant and now I know, so am I.

So when those attacking thoughts come, and they come without warning, I have the tools provided by those who came before me, and I pick them up and I use them. There is always a road map, and when it's from God, there are no hidden roads, there is only peace and the satisfaction of knowing that not only am I enough, I am of pure magic, and therein lies abundance.

March Madness to April Gladness

I have gone through major changes this new year, and it set me off course for a bit. April is now here and I am magically transformed. I am learning practicality and balancing that with my creativity. I am back to a place of centeredness, which for me means being true to my values and joys while remaining a responsible member of society (employed, honest, law-abiding). But for a short while I was very anxious and saddened, because I was not defending my values and joys. I was not feeling confident in my place in this world, and I was beginning to think I was too far gone after decades of poor decision-making to have a life that I really would want to make a living with. Being a romantic, a rebel, an artist, and a spiritualist, what was a life without love for what I did in ALL parts of my life? Indeed, March was a month of tears.

But I am an Aries and now in my season of fiery passion. In making a decision to find balance between the material and the spiritual, ease and comfort has returned back into my life. Today I have a much more healthy view of life and what is realistic and what is nonsense, and the latter does not disturb me as it once did. I have also make a decision to believe that hard work does pay off, no matter how invisible, disadvantaged, or unassuming one is.

April is a month of healing for many of us. For me it is a time to form new habits to become my best version, which ultimately means having time for all areas that are important for a life well-lived, while having the discipline to resist the easier softer way of delusion, short cuts, exasperation, and regret.

Time to consider in a new season

In preparing my new fashion blog, updating my LinkedIn, and researching designers instead of philosophers, my personal study and blog has taken a hit. In working on physical alchemy - transforming my career path - my spiritual alchemy has taken a back seat. Now I am working on giving more time to my regenerative work, because I simply don't feel good without it.

I received a powerful message today that it's time to tune into the stillness where God resides. Lately I've been moving frenetically, and while I was conscious to invite God into my life sporadically throughout my days while hoping that my works would bear the fruit I crave, it hasn't been sustainable. Instead of travelling into that centre where there is complete love, I was orbiting along the periphery, and in that there were always conditions attached that I required for a satisfying day.

My breath has been cut off for months - my entire life source! In tending to the rich, I left my nourishment behind, because I believed I couldn't move fast enough to do both a good job and maintain my connection to my spiritual practice, which comes firstly from my breath.

Time is money, that is a fact which I have learnt, and for some reason, I thought I couldn't work hard enough or fast enough and still breathe freely at the same time. I held my breath for the entire fall and winter seasons, and last week when I tried to get back to square breathing (inhale, hold, exhale, hold), my heartbeat sped up because there was resistance. It felt like a psychic attack. How did I get so far off track?

Now I am returning to a place of calmness where all inspiration and sustenance are drawn from. This rebound to reconnect is incredibly challenging because time isn't just money - it is a condition placed on all life and I have found that I cannot manage it. As I revisit spiritual alchemy, I learn balance. I learn reverence for all the parts of a day that need attention. What needs to be changed or modified in my life to ensure that I am moving at a healthy pace and that my material, spiritual, and emotional needs are met?

Spring is here and it is time for renewal. I know what I need to do, and life really isn't that complicated. I am powerless over time, but I can still work in accordance with it: I can learn how to master what time I am given. This new season, it will be the rebirth of my breath and my connection to God, or to Life Source.

February is the coldest month

Since January 2011, I have posted at least one article per month. At times I chose a blog interface where the side of the homepage showed each year active, and viewers could see every month under the year, denoting articles. I felt a sense of accomplishment and pride. For February 2019 however, there will not be any articles displaying. This is because after a disappointing start to the new year in January, and a new assignment that kept me from my computer, I really only communicated through poems. And rather graphic ones, at that. I realized near the end of the month, I wasn't comfortable keeping them up, and so they are no longer available for viewing.

When I looked at my dashboard upon preparing for this entry, not entirely sure the direction of the piece, I could see five drafts posted in February, two of them works in progress from the end of December - all poems. I have always loved poetry; my dream in high school was to be studied as a writer and my fear was not being appreciated until postmortem. But I had a very long hiatus from writing poetry, since the end of high school. This is for various reasons, but what brought me back to writing poetry was the death of a best friend in 2013, which broke my heart into multiple pieces, all representing different parts of what I grieved. My sorrow closed all of my feelings in, and writing out key words in a gentle rhythm was the only way I could in a quiet way during a vulnerable time express my pain.

As the years went on, I realized poetry was the best way for me to, in a safe, healthy, creative, and satisfying way, release feelings of rejection, loss, and staticity. So to see that I will not be posting any pieces for February because they were all poems, which I decided through healing in the latter part of the month were no longer cohesive to this blog, I now reflect on this seeming failure to not maintain my status quo after many years.

But was it a failure? Of course not. I wrote prolifically, and a couple of those pieces I am proud of, but for now they are for my memory only. I believe writing poetry is the most pure and basic way to reach the end goal of catharsis and if it's a good piece, others will in some way relate to it, and maybe even take a phrase to go along with them on this trek through the wilderness toward liberation from stress.

Walking in conviction

I have a wonderful new friend who is from a strict Muslim country, and when discussing my plans for my day off today, I felt that I might have made him nervous when I said that my meeting with my priest has been rescheduled. I am certain he was a little set off, and even defensive, as he went on to talk about atheist philosophers and the doctrine of absurdism.

So after promptly wishing each other a good day I later followed up with him, asking if he was disturbed, and he said whatever makes me happy is good, and it made me consider the idea of happiness, and how our beliefs and values contribute to that.

It makes perfect sense to adopt the attitude, if it makes you happy, go for it. But nothing is without limit. When I trespass on someone's security, I am no longer in the "right" to do what makes me "happy". My faith and commitment to my religion is generally an autonomous one. I very rarely make my affiliation public and I most certainly don't try to convince others to see things "my" way, unless I am writing something of an evangelical nature, and in that regards people can simply choose to not click on my links.

I am so grateful to have the Bible as a measuring stick. I live in my head a lot of the time, or in a community of like-minded people. A hive mentality can be just as misconceiving as a lone mind, so I always go back to the Bible to ensure it connects, and then I know it's true.

Of course it hurts when my convictions are confronted. I was in the spirituality section last week buying a book by C.H. Spurgeon and I recalled the memes I see where "The Bible" is in the fictional section. But this is where we, as believers, must train. We must be ready for the onfalls, which will happen, and happen without warning.

To have faith is to have strength, it is to remain steadfast in the face of adversity and to remain connected to our values in the waves of weakheartedness. It is to show confidence under pressure, and will in fact be demonstrated though success of various forms in mundane existence.

This is a reason why, as I mentioned in yesterday's piece, it is so important for me to read the Bible from front to back, because I require the fine details for when I am met with doubt, from within or without. There are some horrific events in the Bible, as well as sublime stories that don't make much sense, so I am in no way baffled as to why, especially in today's cultural revolution and the hyper security in our social media climate, that more and more people are not only leaving their family traditions, but actively opposing them.

Still, there are a few of us who continue to study, and who actually take the actions too. Prayer, fasting, meditation....that which are crucial for any revelation that is required for continuity, but also for the spiritual discipline to have the agility to stand up to opposition. Opposition that I do believe is not usually made in malice, but in frustration.

I'm back to chatting with my new friend; we have found different topics - literature and dance. He talks about Russian and French novelists and I respond with Russian and French ballet companies :) There is no reason why we who walk with Christ need to compromise. Ever. If a timeout is needed, by all means, that is in all likelihood God's will to refuel us with new inspiration anyway. May the peace of the Lord be with you always.