"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4.16-18)
Though I was raised in a Western household, I was never a "Christian". I was not baptized, I never attended church, and when I got to high school, I was so far removed from religion I thought the youth group that seemed to appear everywhere was a cult. Sure, my mom ensured I knew some Bible stories (in true Blackwell form the dark and disturbing ones), and I was quizzed twice a year as to what exactly we were celebrating at Christmas and Easter, but I actually grew up very separated from any sort of spirituality, and I vividly remember a period in my childhood where I had an overwhelming fear of Jesus that at time brought me to tears.
After being crushed by a self-imposed crisis I could not postpone or evade, I began to look for answers online. I didn't fully know what I was seeking, but I joined the MySpace Religion and Philosophy forum, and was introduced to Gnosticism. I numbed my fears of Jesus in adulthood, and I was fascinated by all of the different theories of this elusive figure. I also resonated with the Islamic understanding of him. I began to develop an online community, and started to self-identify as a Gnostic.
But the real shift happened when I inadvertently discovered yoga. In the mid-2000's I took my first kundalini yoga class, just trying to get more flexible for my dance classes, and that was when I began to live out spirituality. And while I took the sets, meditation, and lifestyle too far, there was a sort of reckoning that allowed me to move from an atheist/agnostic to some sort of identifiable spiritual belief, and that was what I was desperate for, but didn't realize. My yoga teacher had converted to Sikhism, a religion that has roots in Islam, which I was self-studying. I felt really good seeing all of these pieces coming together. I felt like I belonged to something that I could be proud of.
Eventually, I burnt myself out. I incurred physical ailments that I still to this day question are fully healed. By the late 2000's, I was ready to exit my practice. I was being called to study Jesus in a more orthodox way, and I was looking to become integrated into a recognizable community. With my parents being raised Protestant, my natural inclination was to look at their families churches. I was not well received, and was about to give up. With my Gnostic tendencies I was very attracted to the Eastern Orthodox churches, but struggled to find English services.
I started to think I was destined to never be a "true" Christian, and this greatly distressed me because by this point I was reading the Bible and Jesus was once again haunting me. I recalled what he said to John the Baptist when he wanted to be baptized, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” (Matthew 3.15). I couldn't give up. I asked my friend to take me to a Catholic service. I never thought I would ever attend a Catholic church. My time on the Internet showed much hostility toward the Catholic church, but I felt desperate, and it seemed to be my final option.
I ended up finding the church I would be initiated into. The priest's sermon moved me to the core. He talked about Jesus fulfilling the law, and that it's not our works that save us. This was revolutionary for me, because my yoga practice taught me that I had to do things very specifically, or it wouldn't work. In that homily I was freed from my obsessive compulsions, my perfectionism, and my fears. I was home.
Of course I have struggled within the church over the past decade, but attending mass and pledging allegiance to Christ has been one of the only things I have been consistent with in my life. I have found complete freedom in my faith. I am not perfect in my practice, nor in beliefs in the doctrines, but I have found there is space for me to work it out with grace and privacy. What truly led me to the church is the belief that Jesus was telling the truth when he said that he had prepared a place for me. I believe he came for my dad in his last hour on earth, and my priest carried me through the darkest week of my life as I made arrangements for my father's earthly resting place.
Today I draw inspiration and strength from various religious and spiritual teachings. Despite what I consider blips in my practice where I veered on the side of fundamentalism, I enjoy Buddhist teachings that I believe pair well with mystical Catholicism. I also have a program of recovery that enables me to fully live my faith, through the acts of humility and service. It's been an at times jarring and painful walk to where I am today in my faith, which still throws me curve balls from time to time, but there is strength in numbers and in consistency. Every time I get back up and brush the dust off, I am that much more solidified in my faith, and in my commitment to Christ.
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