God's Sheep

"The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, to guide and to shield me],
I shall not want.
He lets me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still and quiet waters." (Psalm 23.1-2, AMP)

As I continue my adventures in quarantine, I noticed a temptation to judge people as a collective whole, where of course I am risen above. The word "sheep" had come to mind on more than one occasion, and I validated those thoughts because I always likened myself as an independent free-thinker. Fortunately those thoughts were fleeting, because this separation and judgement is not truly within me anymore. In recovery I now have a heart of flesh, and not of stone.

Today I can have not only compassion and tolerance when I see something upsetting or offensive to me, but I can also see where I am exactly like anyone else. And in this piercing of the veil of illusion which obstructed my vision and signaled to me I am apart from others, I see that I too am a sheep, and best of all, that is really what I want to be.

When I thought I wasn't a sheep, I was denying a part of my devotion to God, because I wouldn't then be a sheep to Him, either. But as I let go of my need to be right and perfect, as I embrace being just as dense at times as those I would want to rebuke, I am confirmed in the first verse - I am God's, and He guides and directs me.

Having had an opportunity to perform shadow work the past two months. where I can subsequently begin to heal core wounds given the spare time that facilitated the unintended surfacing of deep fears and regrets, and then the space to address them, I got to see how much I have resisted being happy joyous and free. I believed it was audacious to be happy or to have opportunities, and so I stayed quiet in my corner.

The Amplified Bible Version works hard to clarify scripture, and sometimes uses words that seem a little less poetic, but that speaks very clearly. And today I received the message loud and clear: God LETS me rest. He GIVES me reprieve and sustenance. I have the right to be content, and this was actually something that I had to come to terms with in the midst of a crisis.

I think a lot of us in our journey toward regeneration have "survivor guilt", I know I have. But we are God's creation, which means we all, irregardless of circumstance, can seek refuge through Him, even when we feel like we don't deserve good things, even when that good thing is as simple as peace of mind.

"Even though I walk through the [sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort and console me." (verse 4)

Knowing very well now that I am God's sheep, a sheep just like everyone else, with all of my flaws, weaknesses, fears, and impulsivities, I see the social anxiety that kept me apart from others dissipate. Something that has been made known to me through this pandemic is that feelings are unreliable and can sabotage me. My world view, my values, my daily business, needs to fundamentally not rely on my feelings. Feelings are not facts.

The shepherd's sheep don't move based on feeling, or even on impulse, they go where they are guided, and they stick close together for safety. My feelings tell me that I either need to be at the head of the herd, or completely away from it. My feelings tell me to be perfect and if I can't be perfect then to not try at all. My feelings keep me dead in self. (Ephesians 2)

But because I am now secure in being God's sheep, now that I have direct experience being safe and supported by God amidst complete chaos, I can finally sit back and relax. I can do the very few things that are asked of me, to move from Point A to Point B, and to trust that the outcome will be in my best interest. And most importantly, that I can accept God's will for me to rest.

I make life difficult when I think I need to be someone who I'm not, or when I think I am not a sheep and therefore entitled. There are no exceptions, no loopholes - I am simple, vulnerable, and needy of acceptance that I suspect I must give in order to receive. And I am grateful that I took the opportunity this pandemic afforded me to heal deep wounds, and to edify my faith which convinces me that I can live on God's terms, and still be provided for.