I have always been a black and white thinker. Even my name has the word "black" in it. It is a driving factor of my personality that I didn't see for a long time, and then when I saw it, was unable to process it. The people who I looked up to the most said that life is a spectrum of grey, and I could not reconcile this with what Jesus said to the prophet John, "I will spit the lukewarm [not one or the other] from my mouth." (Revelation 3.16)
But after having a manic episode in the summer that resulted in major life decisions that at the time seemed completely reasonable to make without second thought, I began to see the dangers in black and white thinking. I began to challenge my belief system gently, with the reconsideration of my use of words. After meeting an angel in disguise who introduced me to concepts such as mindfulness and nonviolent communication, I started off on my journey to becoming more compassionate to others and to myself. Words like "always" and "danger" I began to second-guess, as they facilitate absolute thinking, and for the sake of this moment, I will not use a thesaurus to make what I say more accurate or palatable, because I am a work in progress.
And really, this leads to my topic. Understanding character shortcomings as character builders.
I have battled with perfectionism, and while I work to move from that impossible (again absolute) standard, I today learn to look at it with compassion. When I began to see the falsity of perfectionism, I noted it down as a shortcoming. I prayed daily to be removed from the character defect of dishonesty, which mostly manifested itself in my life through my attempts to always be free of blame, and never do anything that could entice gossip.
Another example of trying to sort through a character disservice and no longer being okay with avoiding it or petitioning it away, is my most glaring (literally) - anger. Now I can see that having been resentful (fearful), which leads to manipulation to relieve the resentment and then escalating to anger when my methods wouldn't materialize, is not that I am insomuch "self-seeking" (the rotted root that needs to be pulled out), but that I just didn't know how to express my concerns or needs, which led to traits such as perfectionism and anger.
In knowing this now, the world can no longer be just black and white, there is grey threaded throughout these entire "shortcomings".
Despite having hurt myself and others, I can understand and believe in my heart that I was merely using all of the seemingly malfunctioning tools as in truth having been useful tactics in the not-so-distant past to serve as building blocks, transforming me into the person I am today. Someone who is open, transparent, caring, and imperfect. The latter meaning, in my current interpretation, that as much as I try, I will make mistakes and disrespect myself and others from time to time. That's where grace scoops down and brings in the spirit of forgiveness, and where I can start again.
As I look at my daily meditation sheet, written top to bottom with multi-heading listings and the specifics that fall under those terms of what I want to be conscientiously separated from, I no longer understand them as "wrong". They are simply mechanisms that I developed through my formative years, and those traits are not what makes me who I am. (Just as my name doesn't make me who I am).
A year and a half ago I practiced a prayer in a very specific way where I asked God to take the good and the bad of me. I was merely being a good soldier, following instruction and not really thinking much, just marching along. But I realized through a profound spiritual experience directly following the prayer, that if God will take my "bad", then it surely can't be that awful after all. This was truly the beginning of my studies in the art of forgiveness.
Today, my meditation/prayer sheet is no longer acceptable in its current state, but that doesn't devaluate the actions that cause me pain - they simply need to be reformatted so that I may understand and work with them in a more sincere and loving way.
I still believe that there are points of black and white, but they are few and far between. I rather now see not just a world of grey, but a rainbow, and it is beautiful. It is a place where everyone has a space to be safe and loved, and I believe it is God's promise to heal.
But after having a manic episode in the summer that resulted in major life decisions that at the time seemed completely reasonable to make without second thought, I began to see the dangers in black and white thinking. I began to challenge my belief system gently, with the reconsideration of my use of words. After meeting an angel in disguise who introduced me to concepts such as mindfulness and nonviolent communication, I started off on my journey to becoming more compassionate to others and to myself. Words like "always" and "danger" I began to second-guess, as they facilitate absolute thinking, and for the sake of this moment, I will not use a thesaurus to make what I say more accurate or palatable, because I am a work in progress.
And really, this leads to my topic. Understanding character shortcomings as character builders.
I have battled with perfectionism, and while I work to move from that impossible (again absolute) standard, I today learn to look at it with compassion. When I began to see the falsity of perfectionism, I noted it down as a shortcoming. I prayed daily to be removed from the character defect of dishonesty, which mostly manifested itself in my life through my attempts to always be free of blame, and never do anything that could entice gossip.
Another example of trying to sort through a character disservice and no longer being okay with avoiding it or petitioning it away, is my most glaring (literally) - anger. Now I can see that having been resentful (fearful), which leads to manipulation to relieve the resentment and then escalating to anger when my methods wouldn't materialize, is not that I am insomuch "self-seeking" (the rotted root that needs to be pulled out), but that I just didn't know how to express my concerns or needs, which led to traits such as perfectionism and anger.
In knowing this now, the world can no longer be just black and white, there is grey threaded throughout these entire "shortcomings".
Despite having hurt myself and others, I can understand and believe in my heart that I was merely using all of the seemingly malfunctioning tools as in truth having been useful tactics in the not-so-distant past to serve as building blocks, transforming me into the person I am today. Someone who is open, transparent, caring, and imperfect. The latter meaning, in my current interpretation, that as much as I try, I will make mistakes and disrespect myself and others from time to time. That's where grace scoops down and brings in the spirit of forgiveness, and where I can start again.
As I look at my daily meditation sheet, written top to bottom with multi-heading listings and the specifics that fall under those terms of what I want to be conscientiously separated from, I no longer understand them as "wrong". They are simply mechanisms that I developed through my formative years, and those traits are not what makes me who I am. (Just as my name doesn't make me who I am).
A year and a half ago I practiced a prayer in a very specific way where I asked God to take the good and the bad of me. I was merely being a good soldier, following instruction and not really thinking much, just marching along. But I realized through a profound spiritual experience directly following the prayer, that if God will take my "bad", then it surely can't be that awful after all. This was truly the beginning of my studies in the art of forgiveness.
Today, my meditation/prayer sheet is no longer acceptable in its current state, but that doesn't devaluate the actions that cause me pain - they simply need to be reformatted so that I may understand and work with them in a more sincere and loving way.
I still believe that there are points of black and white, but they are few and far between. I rather now see not just a world of grey, but a rainbow, and it is beautiful. It is a place where everyone has a space to be safe and loved, and I believe it is God's promise to heal.
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