Just a casual post about my recent movements in my conversion. Since I minister to the public I feel transparency is necessary.
Today for the first time since February 16th, 2019, I attended Catholic Mass. The last time that I went to Mass was with my new boyfriend at the time who was not a Christian. Before going into the service I explained the rules (Under NO circumstances do you take communion - walk to the priest with your arms crossed so that he knows to only give you a blessing) and yet it all went awry and I cried inconsolably for the next hour. I never went back.
After half a year of ups and downs, trying to yoke with someone similar to me in matters of the heart, but far too different in how to live out that love, I had a breaking point in mid-July. Coming back from that snap I wrote my testimony and posted it onto Facebook on the public setting. All hell broke loose. Being stubborn, and being protected by the grace of God, I did not tolerate it. And though I tried reconcilation for about three weeks, that testimony ended my relationship.
The poet Rudyard Kipling wrote "(If you can) lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss...Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!" But I'm choosing to write about my loss, or my perceived loss, because that started on a evangelical crusade that nearly took me to a second breach in my ability to function in the world. One of which was publicly disavowing the Catholic Church and blocking my Godmother from Facebook so that she wouldn't have to see it. (I clearly wasn't that brave after all). This is why I desire to write today.
I still have my mission to expose idolatry (egotism; self-worship; self-glorification), but I'll try to do it is a less abrasive manner. As with so many other decisions I have made, it is only when the time comes to commit that I need to get brutally honest and make a decision that might have come from left-field. One thing that the Catholic Church does not tolerate is idolatry, but the layperson today made a really interesting mistake that motivated my writing today. There was a passage that talked about God's healing, however she read something along the lines of "Heal themselves". This is pretty much the definition of idolatry as I have been using it. So while the institution in itself has a zero tolerance policy for interpretation, I saw first-hand how idolism still wants to weasel its way in.
My piece "Little 'g'" discusses this phenomenon of self-deification, and how I fell victim to that. I completely understand how the reader saw a word there that didn't exist - because we are in a culture where we no longer believe that God can heal us. Jesus the Great Physician has taken a back seat to our misplaced confidence and is now blurred somewhere in the abyss of our subconscious. We have fallen back into the first great sin which happened in the beginning when Eve was deceived to believe that she could be as great as God. (Genesis 3.1-6)
I feel a sense of relief and for those who love me, I am sure they do too. Because I believed that I sacrificed love for the Gospel, as Jesus said we must lose all for the truth, I truly believed that I had become an ambassador. I became a compensated writer for a Christian website (with which I will still try to contribute to since it is a fringe website and therefore very understanding.) While I found conviction of sin and intellectual sustenance in the Baptist church, as with all decisions I must make in a hurry, I knew I couldn't be myself, be in the world, and be a Reformed Christian. That equation didn't compute. In Mass the priest appeals to God in prayer, "Look not upon our sins, but on the faith of your Church." That is the compassion that I need to receive, so that I might give back that grace.
While becoming born-again I have been able to better respect my values. I know how sacred sex is now. I know how necessary my more mystical studies are now. And now I know I need the anonymity and the ritual in the Catholic Tradition. So I have reconfigured. I feel vindicated. I am so grateful for all of the amazing events that have taken place since I shared my testimony. I recognize each day is a new day to learn how to move through this world with a bit more decency and poise.
I am starting to see that the fight is over. Jesus has already accomplished on the cross what I have driven myself mad trying to recreate. I have a sense of stability, friendship, love and support and wonderful new things to learn in the spare time that I now have. And through it all, may I continue to illuminate false beatification.
Today for the first time since February 16th, 2019, I attended Catholic Mass. The last time that I went to Mass was with my new boyfriend at the time who was not a Christian. Before going into the service I explained the rules (Under NO circumstances do you take communion - walk to the priest with your arms crossed so that he knows to only give you a blessing) and yet it all went awry and I cried inconsolably for the next hour. I never went back.
After half a year of ups and downs, trying to yoke with someone similar to me in matters of the heart, but far too different in how to live out that love, I had a breaking point in mid-July. Coming back from that snap I wrote my testimony and posted it onto Facebook on the public setting. All hell broke loose. Being stubborn, and being protected by the grace of God, I did not tolerate it. And though I tried reconcilation for about three weeks, that testimony ended my relationship.
The poet Rudyard Kipling wrote "(If you can) lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss...Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!" But I'm choosing to write about my loss, or my perceived loss, because that started on a evangelical crusade that nearly took me to a second breach in my ability to function in the world. One of which was publicly disavowing the Catholic Church and blocking my Godmother from Facebook so that she wouldn't have to see it. (I clearly wasn't that brave after all). This is why I desire to write today.
I still have my mission to expose idolatry (egotism; self-worship; self-glorification), but I'll try to do it is a less abrasive manner. As with so many other decisions I have made, it is only when the time comes to commit that I need to get brutally honest and make a decision that might have come from left-field. One thing that the Catholic Church does not tolerate is idolatry, but the layperson today made a really interesting mistake that motivated my writing today. There was a passage that talked about God's healing, however she read something along the lines of "Heal themselves". This is pretty much the definition of idolatry as I have been using it. So while the institution in itself has a zero tolerance policy for interpretation, I saw first-hand how idolism still wants to weasel its way in.
My piece "Little 'g'" discusses this phenomenon of self-deification, and how I fell victim to that. I completely understand how the reader saw a word there that didn't exist - because we are in a culture where we no longer believe that God can heal us. Jesus the Great Physician has taken a back seat to our misplaced confidence and is now blurred somewhere in the abyss of our subconscious. We have fallen back into the first great sin which happened in the beginning when Eve was deceived to believe that she could be as great as God. (Genesis 3.1-6)
I feel a sense of relief and for those who love me, I am sure they do too. Because I believed that I sacrificed love for the Gospel, as Jesus said we must lose all for the truth, I truly believed that I had become an ambassador. I became a compensated writer for a Christian website (with which I will still try to contribute to since it is a fringe website and therefore very understanding.) While I found conviction of sin and intellectual sustenance in the Baptist church, as with all decisions I must make in a hurry, I knew I couldn't be myself, be in the world, and be a Reformed Christian. That equation didn't compute. In Mass the priest appeals to God in prayer, "Look not upon our sins, but on the faith of your Church." That is the compassion that I need to receive, so that I might give back that grace.
While becoming born-again I have been able to better respect my values. I know how sacred sex is now. I know how necessary my more mystical studies are now. And now I know I need the anonymity and the ritual in the Catholic Tradition. So I have reconfigured. I feel vindicated. I am so grateful for all of the amazing events that have taken place since I shared my testimony. I recognize each day is a new day to learn how to move through this world with a bit more decency and poise.
I am starting to see that the fight is over. Jesus has already accomplished on the cross what I have driven myself mad trying to recreate. I have a sense of stability, friendship, love and support and wonderful new things to learn in the spare time that I now have. And through it all, may I continue to illuminate false beatification.
Thank you again Jesus for touching Carly’s soul with your infinite love, grace and truth again.
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