I have been a total brat. I could see it happening but still rationalized it in my mind thinking that it was acceptable to act out, because they were my feelings and therefore in entitlement of being "honoured" through "recognizing" them, and quite publicly, at that.
I made excuses, calling episodes "living authentically" and telling myself that it was simply me finally being able to articular emotions. But the reality is, I just wanted attention and believed that was the best way to get it during this passage. It in fact wasn't articulation, it was crocodile tears, and it wasn't "finally" accepting and expressing my feelings, it was just a less dangerous form of attention-seeking than I am generally used to.
Now I'm left so incredibly humbled. But it's a good humility, it's a Godly humiliation. Because for the first time I really get it - I see the debasement in myself even though I believed I was entitled! I wanted to exclude even though I have been excluded. So now for the first time I understand how "humility" gets confused with "humiliation" - because the embarrassment that I feel before God, family and elders, well...let's just call this my apology letter.
No more words are needed at this point. I'll let my actions and connection to others be the evidence of my next level of regeneration. And it is a next level, but may I not forget that my life is not my own, and I have no right to claim any privilege. I will still work for all the success of mind, body, and spirit in one life, but I come from the underground, and this I now accept. Recognition of where I come from is what needs to be called to the surface, where I must stay, and where for now, I belong.
I made excuses, calling episodes "living authentically" and telling myself that it was simply me finally being able to articular emotions. But the reality is, I just wanted attention and believed that was the best way to get it during this passage. It in fact wasn't articulation, it was crocodile tears, and it wasn't "finally" accepting and expressing my feelings, it was just a less dangerous form of attention-seeking than I am generally used to.
Now I'm left so incredibly humbled. But it's a good humility, it's a Godly humiliation. Because for the first time I really get it - I see the debasement in myself even though I believed I was entitled! I wanted to exclude even though I have been excluded. So now for the first time I understand how "humility" gets confused with "humiliation" - because the embarrassment that I feel before God, family and elders, well...let's just call this my apology letter.
No more words are needed at this point. I'll let my actions and connection to others be the evidence of my next level of regeneration. And it is a next level, but may I not forget that my life is not my own, and I have no right to claim any privilege. I will still work for all the success of mind, body, and spirit in one life, but I come from the underground, and this I now accept. Recognition of where I come from is what needs to be called to the surface, where I must stay, and where for now, I belong.
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