I wonder how the idea that my concerns and petitions are not good enough, important enough, significant enough, to take to God. I was never taught not to pray, I was taught that God's Son loved me, that He died for me; and I intuitively knew there was a place in the heavenly realm for me.
In my tradition of the strict Protestant faith that I was loosely raised in, we didn't talk about saints who intercede on our behalf, or about angels who had our backs. So it wasn't until decades into my life where I felt comfortable approaching these divine and effective beings. I was terrified that I didn't have the discernment to know the spirits - I felt more safe to just stay away completely.
It was a double-whammy: I couldn't go to God, and I couldn't go to His angels. I believed myself too much of a nuisance who didn't have the spiritual maturity to connect to the celestial. Really, it was all Pride keeping me away. Self-preservation and the determination to "Go it alone" ruled my every day and night.
Fortunately, God designed me a mystic since childhood, which means not only would all Self-Destruction yield no results in the Grand Scheme, it more so meant that I didn't need to be taught or confirmed, I didn't need to be recognized or validated. I had the instincts to connect, though I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I was meditating without knowing it, and projecting protective energy fields without trying. I was always given spiritual tools to fight the cruelty of the spirit and material worlds from early childhood.
And this is why I suffer so greatly in adulthood. I battle two wars - the war against sin, through my own conflicts with Pride, Wrath, and Procrastination, and the war against Despondency, with a seemingly inability to find my niche where I can take off.
But today through faith and works, I have been dispelled from enough Envy and Resentment where I may enjoy a season of study, looking to a plethora of advisers and guides who freely give what I can now take without irritation. In turn, by the grace of God's good time, I will perhaps, when decided, pass knowledge-turned-wisdom, on.
In my tradition of the strict Protestant faith that I was loosely raised in, we didn't talk about saints who intercede on our behalf, or about angels who had our backs. So it wasn't until decades into my life where I felt comfortable approaching these divine and effective beings. I was terrified that I didn't have the discernment to know the spirits - I felt more safe to just stay away completely.
It was a double-whammy: I couldn't go to God, and I couldn't go to His angels. I believed myself too much of a nuisance who didn't have the spiritual maturity to connect to the celestial. Really, it was all Pride keeping me away. Self-preservation and the determination to "Go it alone" ruled my every day and night.
Fortunately, God designed me a mystic since childhood, which means not only would all Self-Destruction yield no results in the Grand Scheme, it more so meant that I didn't need to be taught or confirmed, I didn't need to be recognized or validated. I had the instincts to connect, though I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I was meditating without knowing it, and projecting protective energy fields without trying. I was always given spiritual tools to fight the cruelty of the spirit and material worlds from early childhood.
And this is why I suffer so greatly in adulthood. I battle two wars - the war against sin, through my own conflicts with Pride, Wrath, and Procrastination, and the war against Despondency, with a seemingly inability to find my niche where I can take off.
But today through faith and works, I have been dispelled from enough Envy and Resentment where I may enjoy a season of study, looking to a plethora of advisers and guides who freely give what I can now take without irritation. In turn, by the grace of God's good time, I will perhaps, when decided, pass knowledge-turned-wisdom, on.
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| The Little Scholar, by Johann Georg Meyer von Bremen; 1865 |
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