My sponsee and I have parted company this weekend. It brought a whole new understanding to me of what sobriety really means, because after her relapse she cursed me up and down, and then sought out a new sponsor.
I genuinely believe that people who have Step One do not pick up a drink again, and that the remaining eleven steps are for what we call contented sobriety, and not just being "dry". Today I recognized a passage from the literature that I passed over for years now. It said that a spiritual basis of living is required for recovery. In light of A.A. as a whole being accused for discrimination for requiring a God of our understanding in the program, along with a member having the audacity of accusing me for her failure, which was followed by asking another woman to sponsor her behind my back, alongside recently having a very weak relationship with a higher power after falling in love with an atheist, I knew it was critical for me to re-establish my relationship with a higher power.
It is almost a desperate groping in the dark for something to keep me sane. And while I feel it is finding a needle in a haystack, I'm not running to the church to fix this one. I am finding a higher power through the suggested steps of recovery as outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, for this is the intent of this book, and subsequently the program. After meditating, I believe that I can now articulate an understanding of a higher power that works, and more importantly, that I can pass on.
I have cultivated, or have had bestowed upon me, a God-consciousness within. The literature calls this a psychic change, or being born-again, and even Jesus Christ told us that God's peace is found within.
This higher power within me obliterates that mental blank spot that the literature tells us about; the sick twisted thinking that convinces us that picking up a drink is appropriate. This higher power within me gives me the freedom of choice, the freedom to say no to that which destroys me. This new power allows for me to choose character building over material satisfactions. In other words I have been given the strength that I need to sit in uncomfortability, instead of running to things that might be short-term relief, but which lead to long-term damage.
We can do all the step work that we want, we can go to all the meetings that we want, we can switch sponsors all we want. We can do the high profile service positions, speak eloquently in meetings, make a host of friends...but without a higher power which convicts us of our absolute inability to will our recovery, not only is long-term sobriety impossible, but it makes short-term sobriety miserable.
Alcoholism is a self-based disease, interwoven within layers of denial and isolation, and people die from it everyday. So it is crucial that we practice detachment in the midst of disappointment, and take our rescue boat back to shore, where it belongs. What we choose to rise above strengthens us to help those who truly want to be saved. And that is how it works.
"Lazarus was thoroughly revived, and returned not only to life, but to health. The sinner cannot quicken his own soul, but he is to use the means of grace; the believer cannot sanctify himself, but he is to lay aside every weight and hinderance. We cannot convert our relatives and friends, but we should instruct, warn, and invite them."
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