I have been fortunate to go back to school. Someone whom I really cared about returned to school, and it inspired me so much that a semester after him, I am now earning a Bachelor of Commerce. My self-esteem is expanding, and while every so often I feel insecure about my age, being around millennials is a real privilege. Their independence is amazing, and what I used to write-off as an ignorant sense of entitlement, I now recognize to be the demand for freedom.
I have had to take a couple of psychology classes, and I'm learning a bit about genetics, which has greatly impacted the way that I now understand things like sin, character defects, and the ability to change. I really want out of A.A. now, but because it is keeping me sober, and because I have sponsees, I am doing my best to stay focussed. And while I now do not have a spiritual answer, I can approach problems head on, because if there is anything I have learnt in sobriety, it's to not give out or take in fake bullshit. So I can still listen to fourths, and offer a solution: I can still offer hope.
Instead of thinking that I can be (or really, need to be) rid of my character defects, I now realize that I am simply to learn how to manage the parts about me that exceed their limits - being insecure, jealous, or angry - so that I don't hurt myself, or others. This is just regular discipline that all humans ultimately need to accomplish in order to live without real conflict. The incessant demands that I have been placing on myself, and in turn requesting of others, has been at best impractical and therefore futile, and at worst suffocating and therefore demoralizing.
And I realize after having met another special person, that being hindered has been the theme in all that I had paradoxically put my energy in to, and I did it through misogynistic channels. So now I am learning how to gracefully adapt to an empirical understanding of the world, which is challenging, because I have been heavily indoctrinated for over ten years. Being of spirit and religion and even A.A., is how I related myself to the world, how I interpreted it, and how others have identified me, in turn.
But I am satisfied being pragmatic, because it offers me the confidence that I need to truly be an honest and sincere person, without hidden agendas, mimicry, or fear of reprisal or being disliked. Today I am pushing boundaries, and am of real service, because now I know what true empowerment is.
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