Masks

I was on a date with a guy who I had (foolishly) put a lot of stock into, and on our strange and final night together, he began talking to me about the masks that people wear.  The self-consciousness in me immediately assumed he was referring to a fakeness in my character, but in retrospect, I think that he was saying in a roundabout way, that he's actually a dick.

This got me thinking about masks.  We're taught in school that we all have different "personalities", or roles: child (daughter/son), student, friend, and so on.  For years, my yoga training has been to reverse these stigmatizations and suffocations in our characters - to be consistent: to both balance the polarities, and to grow steadfast in our characters.

I have had a very interesting (and amazing!) long weekend.  After a series of events, I realized that I am not as steadfast as I thought I was: that I am very well wearing masks, and they switch around depending on the company that I am in.

When I am nervous and shy around people who I don't know, I  can come across very meek, sunny, and sweet, even.  But when I am around people who I am comfortable around, I can be like ice:  condescending, sarcastic, even quite mean at times.

I realized, after months of trying to understand my character flaw of nervousness, that this is why I can be awkward in unfamiliar, or even familiar, places.  Deep down, I know that there is a discord in my character - something that I am refusing to address, even to myself.

I had the heebie-jeebies when going to sleep last night.  I imagined myself talking to Jesus, and I saw that I needed to let go of any "dark" or "heavy" feelings that I LIKE holding onto; feelings that, in a way, I feed off of.  I truly believe that this is the only way at this time, that I can begin to feel more relaxed.

I do not believe that I am to let go of all desire to fight, whether it be an idea, a fantasy, or even myself, but harbouring these feelings of negativity are only presenting one view of the world to me - that we are all evil, depraved, and fake; that when push comes to shove, we would feed off our own family members to survive.

What horrible thoughts I have!  Being in socially opposite situations this part long weekend, where in one place I felt like a stranger, and the other place I felt more at home, I saw that I will see what I want to see, but more importantly, that I can control the way I interpret things.

And though I have blood-lust, we all do, this only creates a feeling of defence and otherness, which I suspect leads to awkwardness, stiffness.

 Rolling in the deep