The kingdom of God is in our hearts

I have been struggling with my studies lately. My mind has been wandering unsupervised, and then after having a number of significant disappointments, which had been accumulating since early fall, drive all of my grand designs to a screeching halt this week, my weary being was officially exhausted.

I was to work at the bar tonight, and as soon as my shift started, I knew I was in trouble. I could barely get out of bed, I was just dreading my day starting. This winter weather also reaches its peak in February, which was just insult to injury. How was I going to "entertain" the regulars when I've been a blink away from tears?

When the expectations of the fruit of my labour does not ripen for the picking, my faith becomes weak. Being a Christian means sacrifice of self, so that we may merge with God. This is the way of the Cross. But when I am feeling dejected, and that there is nothing left to give, I go into survival mode, and I just want to take instead. I want to fill that void that I have created in my heart. All I want is to go my own way, and do as thou wilt.

While I have felt so far removed from any inspiration, I knew that I needed help fast. So I went to my Bible app, and read whatever came up first. It was from Luke 17, and I only needed to read one sentence before my heart began to pump again. Jesus said that we are not to look for the kingdom of God, because it is not a physical place; rather, it is "amidst" us. "Amidst" is the original word, but "within" is more popularly known, and is an acceptable translation as well. 

I put my trust in God. I use my faith to make sense of my life, and I spend most of my energy in trying to do the next right thing, and in reading, contemplating, communicating with other Christians, attending mass, and prayer. So when I really can't make sense of certain letdowns and I start to slack, I find it hard to bounce back. Fortunately, I have enough "muscle memory", that I instinctively knew to connect with God so that I could have the best attitude possible, as I knew I was at the end of the line. 

As I was preparing for my shift, I intrinsically recalled that the ailment was not in my external failures, but rather my internal assumptions. So when I turned to the scripture not even thirty minutes after this revelation, I was then ready to recognize the truth of Christ's words, even though I have read that verse countless of times. I realized that he was talking about our hearts: that is the "center", or the "amidst", and this is the fulfillment of the prophecy in the Old Testament, when Yahweh declared that he would write the Law on our hearts, instead of on cold, hard stone. 

I was given a gift of brief meditation, first to recollect my bearings, and then to turn to ancient wisdom. And so, my heart had been relieved, and I was ready to receive my guests. Sometimes we can feel defeated by loss, rejection, disappointment, even bad weather, but we will always have a way out of despondency, because Christ assured us that we can take heart, for he has already conquered the world.