The gifts of the Program

It is my nightmare to speak at open meetings. I actually avoid certain meetings where I know I will be asked. I blank-out fully, I have zero confidence that I will say anything useful, and I have had such long moments of starting ahead, not saying anything, as though paralyzed, that I have once been told from the audience that it's okay (from an Al-Anon, at that), and twice been told (nicely) to just sit down. One of those times, the person even did the hand swipe across the neck gesture. I laugh about it today. This is what we do in the fellowship, we laugh at these unfortunate situations :)

But I can write, so I like to talk about the things that I just can't seem to in front of a room full of people (the Internet gives us all false courage - similar to road rage :)). So here goes. 

Because of A.A., I have friends (even though we come in with very poor mental health, and our bonds are contingent on sobriety and working the program, which sadly, is not often the case), but I have people who I can go and talk to everyday, should I choose.

Because of A.A., I can see my progress, in all aspects of my life, instead of when I used to beat myself up. And I mean in ALL aspects of my life. Most notably I am seeing this is my art, which is ballet. The things I couldn't do five years ago, I can do today. And yeah, I often want to give up, but I keep going, everyday. I do work everyday in order to keep my motivation up as much as possible. Another example is from last week, when someone commented on my tote purse at a meeting. It's a great bag from H&M (very cheap but looks great and is comfortable to wear), and she felt the need to throw in something about it being a "nice" knockoff (in front of a somewhat cute guy, at that. Maybe that's why she said it). I really don't think it is trying to be a knockoff, but regardless,

I am sensitive. A few years ago, I would have never used it again, maybe even have gone so far as to give it away. But I still love it! Another progress is my medical history. I had so many doctors (on speed dial). I even had my allergist tell me to stop seeing so many doctors. Within my first year of sobriety, my "visits" ceased. I hadn't seen my dermatologist all year, that the receptionist (or nurse) even commentated on it. I would never have this freedom from bondage of self, without the Program. 

Because of the Step work that I accomplished, I can be an honest person, I lost so much of my co-dependency, and conversely, I can see when I am being lied to, manipulated, or being taken advantage of. With the help of talking openly with female members who I trust, and a no-nonsense sponsor, I established boundaries that eventually came into fruition, and have been firmly set. 

Because of A.A. I have made amends to my parents, and we are equals now. I no longer feel "foolish" for caring for them, for helping out, going that extra mile for them. And when they are insensitive to me, I can express that it is wrong, instead of closing up and harbouring resentments.

And regarding resentments - I can see my part in absolutely every hurt feeling that I have had in adulthood. As children, we are at the mercy of our parents/caregivers, but when we act in ways that in turn hurt others, THAT we need to not only recognize, but be accountable for. And that heals us, it liberates us, and if we can follow through with the work, it sets us free,

And regarding following through, I am dependable today. People know me to be reliable. I show up, and I show up on time. I work an honest day's work, I pick up the phone when it rings, I work hard to care for others. And I do have to work hard, because as we believe in the program, selfishness is the route of our disease, and we have to fight to break that pattern. But today my understanding of alcoholism is it's a defense mechanism, and we did what we had to do to survive; that is, if we didn't go to far and die or go mad from it.

And regarding my understanding of alcoholism - and it does say in the book, the same way we come to terms with a higher power - it is written "As we understand it". Despite the clear cut qualifiers, which are the cravings of the body and the obsession of the mind, for me, my understanding is that there is real loss. So because of A.A. I begin to rebuild my life; the life that I ruined, but also the life that was broken down, and I do believe that alcoholism is a genetic disposition, dormant until it surfaces from stress. Which means, that while it is so important for some members (a fair amount who like to preach from the podium) to vehemently defend that they are not an alcoholic from what has happened to them, I disagree.

But those hurts really don't matter anymore. I have good days, and bad days. There is scar tissue that is so deep, I at times hope the repercussions from those never see the light of day. But what I have learnt from ballet, which saved my life (because I have an incredible coach), injuries can be blessings, because they force us to work in a different way, in the correct way. And we build up new muscles, the ones around the scars that we weren't using when we should have, and we become stronger than we were before!

And while my art saved my life, and while God saved my life, I would not have the confidence, strength, understanding, discipline, compassion, or guidance, if it were not for this program of recovery. And this Program is the home groups, the meetings, the sponsorship, the fellowship, the Steps (And for me, the fellowship needs to come before the Steps) the friendships, and the service opportunities.

A.A. was the absolute last house on the block. I tried treatment and also yoga, but this disease needs to be understood, "Know thy enemy", and it is practical, hands-on therapy, not just learning through books. 

I apply, I grow, and I work through problems, using the Steps and the fellowship. Being in A.A. is not a life sentence today, it is an opportunity that I would never have had, had I never fallen. And THAT is a miracle.