I have a disease of perception. It is the Great Deceit that first plagued the world from the very beginning. It has manifested most noticeably with the complete inability to recognize my blessings. To never have enough, to never get what I wanted. And it is true, there was lack, many times over. But I always came through, I always got what I needed in the last analysis.
And today, with a broken heart and spirit, I recognize the incredible gift I was given in my life, which was to go to one of the best post-secondary institutions in the country. But at the time, I didn't know it. I knew the campus was beautiful, I relished in being viewed as smart when I went back home to Toronto, hiding that I was scraping by with D and C averages. But again, the prestige wasn't enough. I was one year older than my peers after upgrading my high school diploma, and I buried that insecurity for my entire first year. I also acted out routinely, actually thinking that I was hiding it, doing things with people who I had no business doing things with, instead of staying safe in residence and building real friendships that could have lasted a lifetime.
But I think the worst was feeling not good enough. And looking back now I can clearly see that I had squandered the best opportunity I have ever had in my life, but my perception was so skewed that I was utterly oblivious to my good fortune at that time.
I wasn't in business or the sciences, which were the elite and popular programs, respectively, and so in my mind, I was not as good as my peers. But today I know this was in my head. Now that my disease is in remission, I can see how well I had it. I studied my passion at a stunning Ivy League school. And while I was tormented for not being in the "right" buildings on campus, it dawned on me the other day that the buildings that I was in are the landmark colleges on campus. They are the ones that are featured in every article that the university puts out. It's not the science buildings, it's not even the famous business school - it's the arts and humanities buildings.
I really shouldn't be so shocked at my insanity though. The Serpent is the craftiest of all God's creatures and he tricked even the most pure and beautiful of God's design. So how could I, in the pinnacle of my infection, have recognized it, let alone resisted it. It's times like these, the world doesn't make sense - how corruption can consume. But it's also times like these I see the grace of God shining down on me. I was never really hurt: I wasn't ostracized, I wasn't arrested, I wasn't expelled, and though it took some extra years, I did end up graduating.
It has taken fifteen years to have forgiven myself for my absurd behaviour and missed opportunities, but now I remember the beauty of that enchanted world, a campus that was unto its own, a city. A fairy tale that I intuitively knew I was living in. Today I know through and through that I was truly a part of that community, and that glory. And now it is a part of me. Amen.
And today, with a broken heart and spirit, I recognize the incredible gift I was given in my life, which was to go to one of the best post-secondary institutions in the country. But at the time, I didn't know it. I knew the campus was beautiful, I relished in being viewed as smart when I went back home to Toronto, hiding that I was scraping by with D and C averages. But again, the prestige wasn't enough. I was one year older than my peers after upgrading my high school diploma, and I buried that insecurity for my entire first year. I also acted out routinely, actually thinking that I was hiding it, doing things with people who I had no business doing things with, instead of staying safe in residence and building real friendships that could have lasted a lifetime.
But I think the worst was feeling not good enough. And looking back now I can clearly see that I had squandered the best opportunity I have ever had in my life, but my perception was so skewed that I was utterly oblivious to my good fortune at that time.
I wasn't in business or the sciences, which were the elite and popular programs, respectively, and so in my mind, I was not as good as my peers. But today I know this was in my head. Now that my disease is in remission, I can see how well I had it. I studied my passion at a stunning Ivy League school. And while I was tormented for not being in the "right" buildings on campus, it dawned on me the other day that the buildings that I was in are the landmark colleges on campus. They are the ones that are featured in every article that the university puts out. It's not the science buildings, it's not even the famous business school - it's the arts and humanities buildings.
I really shouldn't be so shocked at my insanity though. The Serpent is the craftiest of all God's creatures and he tricked even the most pure and beautiful of God's design. So how could I, in the pinnacle of my infection, have recognized it, let alone resisted it. It's times like these, the world doesn't make sense - how corruption can consume. But it's also times like these I see the grace of God shining down on me. I was never really hurt: I wasn't ostracized, I wasn't arrested, I wasn't expelled, and though it took some extra years, I did end up graduating.
It has taken fifteen years to have forgiven myself for my absurd behaviour and missed opportunities, but now I remember the beauty of that enchanted world, a campus that was unto its own, a city. A fairy tale that I intuitively knew I was living in. Today I know through and through that I was truly a part of that community, and that glory. And now it is a part of me. Amen.
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