I'm able to better say "Thy will, not mine, be done." more genuinely now. I have reached a point in my life where the pain has just been too great, and I came to my breaking point. I have simply no other choice, should I want to live, than to surrender and be Christ's prisoner. The fight is over.
God both creates and permits evil, so I must now believe that everything leading up to this point has been God's will, IF, and only if, I may reap a greater good for my errors. Something that I have been trying to attain falls through again and again and again, and it's not even anything exceptional I'm striving for! Should I be where I am at this point in my life? No way. But did I make choices that placed me here? Yes way.
However, God's grace is so great, and if I now walk the straight and narrow, I believe I will be blessed ten-fold for not only persevering, but for excelling through, as well as for my sufferings.
God did not desire for his beloved creation to die to sin, but through Adam's fall, God's greatest gift was given to us: a display of his love so awesome that it conquered what had suffocated and belittled us. We were given victory over death. Sin was always in the world, it entered the world before man did. We fell to it because it was so much stronger than us and it waged a war on us, and so there were consequences. But now we gather a harvest that we did not labour for; we benefit in what is now ours that we would have never even gotten without the permission of death by sin. So when I want to wallow in self-pity rather than say, "Your will be done", I can pause and remember that there is a goodness in my cross, and it's okay again. I can trust God now.
Love is patient, love is kind. Love betters us, nourishes us, sacrifices and dies for us. Love never fails. So when I am convinced that I have, I remind myself that my will never worked out too well for me in the first place, and I need to give it up. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that this life is nothing compared to the glory of heaven that awaits for my return.
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