Character Building

“Grant that I may seek to comfort rather than be comforted...” Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

As Bill Wilson so eloquently put, "Whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the chase after what we thought was happiness...Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us." (Step Seven, pgs. 72+74)

When I was angry at people and afraid of the possible negative consequences of being the responsible nice guy, in other words being stricken with the fear of losing resources and companionship, I didn’t want to character-build. I wanted to complain and correct. I wanted everyone to be as good as me. It was a real backwards hypocrisy. But today I am able to take a time-out through meditation so that I don't have to act-out when I am feeling aggitated.

For me meditation is two-fold: first I study. I take the time and space to read meaningful spiritual text, then I reflect on it. It is the latter where the real work is done. That is where I apply what I learn and practice my design-for-living. It has taken me three years to meditate effectively on the above prayer (see link for full prose), and I am not even half-way there.

I wasn't always able to apply meditation. In my third year of sobriety I started a slippery slope of using a medication that has been so dangerous for people of spiritual bedevilments, the government put unbelievable restrictions on it. And while I never abused this medication, there was a mental component of dependency I suffered from. What if I don't get a refill? It was fear-based and text book addict-thinking.

Finally judgement day arrived. My doctor retired and my new doctor wouldn't give me a new prescription. Not until a meet-and-greet, at least. The panic set in, the mental disturbances roamed in my mind. I knew for certain, I was not living the recovery God had intended for me. I was convicted.

I prepped for my meeting, questioning where the thin line is in manipulating a doctor: how far do I push it before it becomes obvious? I needed to present myself as a mature, mentally-fit young woman who simply needed a little extra support "as needed", and that I would absolutely be responsible as I took this highly controlled substance. I was able to get a new script, albeit under a bit more of a regimented plan.

I had my wake-up call and was ready to change.........doctors, that is. I found someone who was much more liberal, but upon recognizing that I was knee-deep in recovery, he made it painfully clear that the drug I wanted to take would be considered breaking my sobriety by the fundamental members in my fellowship. Feelings of shame, paranoia, and failure beset me. I was convicted in the drug store when I couldn't get my prescription, but now I was serving my sentence. I became open to the possibility of not using this medication anymore.

Finally after two and a half years I began to put my money where my mouth is. I commenced to choose meditation over medication. God empowered me through artistic release when I called on The Great Physician instead of a pharmacist. I know for certain now that God's will for us is to be creative, and that is why he gave me the will, power, and determination to release from my hateful feelings and fears in a healthy way, through artistic expression - in a way that is in conjunction with my program of recovery, which is my way of life.

I chose character-building and I was victorious. I have been a light in the darkness, a lamp trimmed by Jesus Himself; fearless, unashamed, and FREE. Released from people places and things. My sobriety has not broken in my opinion, but it has certainly been strengthened. And again, I must practice my program in a real way, and "Live and Let Live" for those who will most certainly think I have. My dignity is no longer contingent on anything outside of myself, and that is why today I can talk about what I hid for over two years in fear of being ostracized. I have taken the final step into liberation and strength.

Before I started to choose character-building over comfort, I made a ton of excuses for myself. I'm sicker than most, it's pharmaceutical, I am suffering too much, it's a low dose, etc. But what I was really doing what cutting myself short, and not giving my recovery all of the blessings I could be. I now know that character-building is not pointless, and that I will not suffer for longer than necessary in choosing meditation over medication - in fact the relief is just about instantaneous.

I couldn’t figure out why I had so much faith in God, but still such a weak meditative practice. I couldn’t pass on the message, because when in the thick of it, I bailed. But today I love having a program to pass on, and it is so worth meditating through the intense moments of fear and apprehension in order to reap what I sow, for the next sufferer.

"We would much rather work for God than believe in Him. Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do?" - Oswald Chambers